A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND
When you give a girl a Mastiff:
Slobber stained clothes are to be expected.
The giant breed is sure to think she is a lap dog, and will slowly crush your bones as she perches upon said lap.
Kisses are mandatory, with absolute disregard to your free agency.
She will lick away your tears when you are crying, but it just makes your face more wet.
She is highly intelligent, and will constantly alert you to the dog hiding in the mirror.
In the middle of the night, a cold, wet nose will brush against you face, as the Mastiff reassures herself that you are still breathing.
She is positive that your spot on the couch is always the best one.
She will be scared of small children and Chihuahuas.
Newly purchased toys will be destroyed in three seconds flat.
She makes the best cuddling buddy, ever, and always seems to know when you need some Mastiff love.
When you give a girl a Basset Hound:
She will always steal your spot on the couch when you get up to go to the bathroom. Always.
Her bays will for sure sound like a dying cat.
She will trip over her ears when she runs, and you will laugh.
Her death glare is scary good.
Despite being the smallest dog in the house, she will also be the hottest dog in the house. Cold in the winter? No space heater needed, just purchase yourself a Basset Hound!
Every Christmas Sweater you try on her will just make her look wide.
All children will think she is the sweetest dog on the face of the planet. All children are wrong.
The slowest dog I have ever seen, she somehow gets an incredible burst of energy as she tries to escape through the front door. (As if she could find anyone who treats her better than we do.)
She will chew holes in all of your socks. Just more freedom for your toes, right?
She will become your negativity spirit animal, and will be the only one who understands your hatred of squeaky toys.
When you give a girl a Chocolate Lab:
She really will be the sweetest lab you could ever find.
She will be your fiercest protector, and you will never be scared as long as she is around.
The Chocolate Lab has no shame, and will continue to lift your arm with her nose until you pet her.
Fetch for days.
She may or may not birth ten children, and the look on her face will warn you that you are not ready for childbirth.
Your younger brother may or may not teach her to compete in staring contests, and it will be creepy.
You will never meet a dog who is more excited about diet food.
When she steals your spot on the couch, you respectfully take your place on the floor.
Once she is done relieving herself, you have exactly .5 seconds to get to the door before she sounds the alarm.
She will love you unconditionally.
I am so grateful I was able to grow up with dogs in my life. They have taught me what unconditional love is, and have made me a kinder, better person. They are shoulders to cry on when you are sad (except the Basset Hound, tears are her mortal enemy), and are always happy to see you when you return home from a hard day. Despite the fact that I feel like our family attracts only the weirdest type of dogs, I cannot imagine my life without them. I am grateful for the dogs I have now, and for the dogs that have left me for a better life. Life without dogs would surely be ruff.