RETURNING TO FAITH
Faith. It seems like such a simple concept, but when faced with an actual test of faith, it can be so difficult to follow through. Up until I went to BYU, I had never really had a trial of faith. I had been blessed with a pretty uneventful life, and I can’t really think of any event in my adolescence that made me question my faith. Then I went to BYU. (Somehow, I feel like I can relate any topic back to BYU, German Soccer, or Harry Potter. What a lame superpower.) I went to Provo thinking that my life was going to go entirely to plan.
Step 1. Have a kick-bum freshmen year at BYU.
Step 2. Spend the best year and a half of my life serving the Lord and the people of Germany.
Step 3. While in Germany, convert my favorite German soccer player to the Gospel, and then convince him to marry me.
Step 4. If somehow Step 3 fails (very unlikely), return to BYU and major in Nursing.
Step 5. Meet an amazing guy at BYU, get married, and very far in the future start a family.
Well, if you have read any of my other posts, you will know that plan for sure backfired (I was really banking on Step 3!). My freshmen year at BYU was a rough one! After deciding that BYU Nursing was for sure not for me, I was at a total loss of what do to with my life. I can remember pleading daily with my Heavenly Father, begging him for strength, comfort, and guidance. One day, as I was doing homework for my Book of Mormon class, an answer finally came. It was like a lightening bolt came straight down from Heaven, and I finally had a plan again for my life. The feeling of drowning subsided, and all that remained was gratitude and excitement. The rest of my freshmen year, I prepared for what I thought was going to be the next stepping stone in my plan. Around the beginning of April, right before finals, I was struck with the realization that the path I thought my life was going to take was not going to happen. There was just no possible way my life could follow that course. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I had been preparing for months to follow this path, and now it was all for naught.
I was angry. I was bitter. I was confused. I was frustrated. I was upset with myself. Had I made it all up? Can you fake feeling that connected to Heaven? Had I misunderstood the answer? Was I not worthy enough to follow that path? Why would a loving Heavenly Father give me an answer that was false? I somehow managed to make it through finals, despite the ache that was continually in my chest. Once again, I was lost. I came home and did the worst possible thing one can do in that situation. I turned my back on the Lord. I stopped going to church, I stopped reading my scriptures, I think I prayed a little but, not very often. Like a typical teenager, I gave my Heavenly Father and my Savior the silent treatment. I no longer trusted in their guidance. Look where it had led me! I wasn’t even really living life, I was just kind of going through the motions.
As the summer progressed, I had to make a decision. Return to BYU, or go on a mission. Going back to BYU was out of the question for me. With all of those memories of stress, confusion, and anger, I just couldn’t bring myself to return. However, I didn’t really want to serve a mission, either. I just wanted to stay home and wallow in myself pity. (Remember, this is an example of what NOT to do. I repeat, DO NOT DO THIS.) Despite my confusion then as to whether or not my Heavenly Father loved me, it is so obvious now that he did (and still does) when he encouraged me to go on a mission.
Despite possibly having the shortest mission ever to be recorded, it has been the biggest blessing of my life. Ever. It is where I truly learned to rely on my Savior, began to recognize he and my Heavenly Father’s love for me, and have faith in their plan. That first night in Michigan was a rough one. With frozen toes and a heavy heart, I remember crying out for strength to just make it to that next Sunday. Tears stained my pillow as I tried to push down the desire to return the warmth that is New Mexico. Over the next few days, I saw the Lord’s hand in my life in an innumerable amount of ways. I could literally feel the strength they were giving me to continue on, despite the homesickness. I finally understood what the Enabling Power of the Atonement was, and I never wanted to lose sight of it again. As I knocked on doors, taught the most amazing people, and laughed until my sides hurt with my amazing companion, I could truly feel the love my Heavenly Father had for me. I could no longer doubt that he loved me, and had a plan for me, because he had brought me to Michigan! He had forgiven me for all of the hurt I had caused Him, My Savior, and my family that past summer, and instead allowed me to be a tool in his hands. What a humbling experience.
A few years later, I am still not sure why I received that specific answer whilst sitting in my dorm room chair. However, the not knowing doesn’t bother me anymore. I have come to realize (through a self-induced, difficult process) that our Heavenly Father really does have a specific, unique plan for every one of our lives. Sometimes we don’t understand why we need to take a certain step in that plan, such as moving to a certain place, or attending a certain school, but we must always remember that we can trust him. Even when circumstances seem grim, and you are scared to death to follow that prompting, trusting in their plan for you will always be the best choice. I am forever grateful that I was inspired to go on a mission, despite my unfaithful actions, and it is a debt I can never repay. My mission helped me to return to faith, and learn what true faith is. True faith is having complete trust in His plan for you, and believing that everything will turn out alright. I know that the answer to go on a mission came from God, and I know that the answer I received in that cramped dorm room in BYU also came from Him. I cannot deny the power and feelings I felt when I received either answer. Will I ever understand why that prompting came? Maybe not. However, if it is for my benefit, I know they will let me know. Until then, I will just have to have faith.