ALL IN
“So, what are you going to do with your life?”
That seems to be one of the million-dollar question as of late. What career am I going to pursue? Where am I planning to go to school next? Am I going to move somewhere else, or find a program around here that works for me? Is continuing school the next step? Luckily, I have a great time-saving hack for answering all of these questions: Have the same answer for each question 😉 The answer to all of the above mentioned questions is…….. I have no idea. Seriously, not a clue. It feels like I have been praying and fasting about these questions for forever, and I just can’t seem to figure it out. I know the Lord has a plan for me, and I have to trust in that plan, but it is so hard sometimes! Maybe I just need to pick something and get going. I don’t know. I am just too terrified to pick something. What if I end up hating the path I pick? What if the classes are too hard for me? Can I really move away from the support of my family? Ahh, more questions. Fantastic.
As the end of my Spring Semester rolled around, I began to contemplate even more what my next step would be. I put off scheduling an appointment with my advisor (to plan out my next term), hoping to live in denial about my impending doom just a little bit longer. “I should wait until after finals, I’ll be less stressed out by then” “They are probably really busy, I bet I won’t even be able to get in until after this semester is over anyway”. Ellie, while all of these points you have made are valid, we all know you are just putting off an inevitable decision: Do I take summer classes and finish my Associates Degree, or do I put it off until the fall? Now, this probably does not seem like a very important decision to others, but to me, it is one of the scariest choices I have ever made.
On the one hand, if I take the summer classes, I would be D.O.N.E. However, that also means I have two months to try and figure out what the next step of my life is going to be. As has been stated, I am coming up reeeeaaaaalll short when it comes to answers in that department. Plus, there is going to be a butt-ton of soccer to watch this summer, and how is my team going to win if my attention isn’t completely focused on them????? My support is crucial to their success (Obviously, soccer takes precedence over school). Plus, I have worked super hard this semester. I for sure deserve the summer off to recharge. If I push off these classes until the fall, I will have much more time to figure out what the heck the next step in my life is. Fall Semester is obviously the logical choice. Alright, I have made a decision. I am putting it off until the fall. I need my safety net of a couple more months to figure this whole thing out. I feel so confident in this decision! It is like a weight being lifted off of my shoulders (This confidence was highly misplaced. Like really highly).
After finals were over, and I was just beginning to enjoy the relaxation of summertime, my time to teach the Young Women’s lesson for the week came rolling around the corner. As I perused the suggested lessons for the month, I came upon one about personal revelation. “Nope, not teaching that one”, I thought. Lately I had just felt like the Lord wasn’t answering any of my questions. I was pleading for help and guidance on school, semesters, and life in general, and it just felt like I was hitting a brick wall. Obviously, I am not qualified to teach this lesson, and so I will not be teaching it (Wrong, so wrong). Of course, that was the lesson I felt strongly that I needed to teach. Great. Honestly, I was getting kind of angry at the Lord (Man, it has just been wrong move after wrong move the last couple of weeks). I just felt I had been promised all of these things, and as I attempted to reach them, it seemed I wasn’t getting any feedback. Warning: do not tell the Lord you are not receiving any answers. Just don’t do it.
As I angrily prepared a lesson about personal revelation, I began to receive so much personal revelation. The Lord guided me to prepare what I would call at least an adequate lesson, and even gave me some on the spot guidance during the hour I taught. I was feeling pretty good. Then, all of a sudden, the bomb came. Two days before my meeting with my counselor, I got these crazy feelings that I needed to take my classes in the summer. No. no. no. no. no. no. I have been praying about this question for weeks and have never felt the prompting to take classes in the summer. Now, out of the blue, the promptings are a-flowin’? (Told ya! Don’t say that the Lord doesn’t answer our prayers!)
I tried to stuff those feelings down and rationalize my decision. It doesn’t make any sense to take the summer classes! There is no flippin’ way I am going to be able to make a life-altering decision about what my next step will be, when I only have three months to decide. If I take the summer classes, I will be done with my Associates Degree. I will literally have no more classes to take! What am I going to do then? Plus, I am so tired. I just got done writing papers, I don’t want to write anymore (Whining and negativity? My readers are hitting the jackpot with this blog 😉). It’s the SUMMER OF SOCCER, I can’t miss that for school! That’s it, I am sticking to the original plan, and taking the Fall Semester.
Despite my seemingly made up mind, over the next couple of days, I kept flip flopping back and forth about what to do. I prayed, my mom prayed, my dad prayed. I kept saying that I didn’t know what to do, but I did. I was finally receiving answers, just not the ones I wanted. As my mom and I drove to the school to meet with my counselor (I needed some serious moral support that day), I still had not decided what to do. As I sat in the lobby, waiting to be called back, I read my scriptures, attempting to bring as much of the Spirit with me as I could into that meeting (I seriously cannot remember a thing I read). Finally, I decided just to stop worrying about it. I attempted to convince myself to relax with thoughts such as, “You’ve said prayers for guidance, let that guidance take over as you head into that room”. I was called back way quicker then I wanted to be, and suddenly I was sitting down with my counselor as we began to plan out my next semester (I still had zero clue which semester I was going to choose). “So, you only have one class left to take, right?”, my counselor asked. Huh??? I could have sworn that I had at least two more classes left to take. My counselor checked again and determined that I really only had one class left to take to complete my Associates Degree (If that isn’t an answer on what to do, then I don’t know what is!). My agreement to the Summer Semester came out of my mouth before I even had time to think.
After I walked out of that meeting, I could not believe how happy I was. Terrified at the same time, but also happy (herrified?). Knowing that despite my utter dislike of taking summer classes, I had trusted the Lord, and with a ton of help, had made the decision he wanted me to make. That’s right, I am all in with the Lord. I am so scared as to what will happen in the next three to six months of my life, as I have to make some big decisions, but at least I know I have someone on my side who can see the big picture. I can now testify, again, that he does answer prayers, even if they are not the answers we want to hear, or if it seems like we are getting no answers. He always has a plan in the works, and eventually, as we trust in Him, we will be able to see the steps in that plan. His guidance and answers are truly for our benefit and do lead us to our most happy lives. We have to have total faith in Him, even if it is hard. I know as I continue to pray about what to do next, he will guide me. Even if that is just helping me realize I need to buck up and make a decision. So, even though my soccer team may not be able to feel the powers of my full devotion this summer (I promise to give at least 99.5%), I am happy about the decision I have made. Why I ever faltered in my trust of the Lord, I don’t know. He has never led me astray before! (Hopefully over time I will get better at not continually making that mistake) I truly know that he is the best person to go all in on.