IGNORING THE LORD
For the past few weeks, exactly two thoughts have been running around in my mind:
1. Fußball. Fußball. Fußball. Fußball. Fußball. Fußball. Fußball. Fußball. Fußball.
2. What in the world am I going to do with my life?
For those of you who are not aboard the hot mess express, here is an update: In a last minute decision, I decided to take my last class to finish my Associates Degree during the summer, so I now have just a couple of months to figure out what the next step in my life will be (For a full update as to why I am so consumed with the decision on what to do with my life, click here).To say that I have been stressed out is an understatement. I feel like I have been rolling this decision around in my mind for years, and still cannot come up with a game plan. I began to be a little irritated with the Lord (I know, a fantastic move on my part). I had brought this question to Him many times! During fasting, praying, and General Conference, but still had not received an answer as to what the next step in my life would be. However, everything came to a head over the past couple of weeks, and let me tell you, it was a roller coaster of emotions. Here is a play-by-play of my feelings over the past monthish.
1. Denial:
Ahh, my favorite emotion. As I started my summer class, and with a month of fußball right around the corner, I opted to just act as if this life-changing decision wasn’t looming ever closer. “I just started this semester”, I thought to myself. “I don’t want to put all that stress on myself at once. I have plenty of time to make this decision. It’ll all work out”. At first things were fine. It took me a little bit to get comfortable with the summer course I was taking, and watching soccer every day was a great way to forget about your problems (Except for when your team bows out early. Then all of your problems seem four million times worse). Unfortunately, this euphoric state of watching the beautiful game and living in denial could only last so long. The summer semester went by way faster than I was expecting, and as the number of soccer games left started to dwindle, the next emotion came down upon me like a ton of bricks.
2. Panic:
This is a fun emotion to have, especially when those around you get to participate in the whirlwind of stress you are creating (my parents are #blessed). As I realized that the summer semester was quickly drawing to a close, I began grasping at any straw I could possibly reach. I re-reviewed the list I had created of “possible majors my college has”. I had been down this same list many, many times over the last couple of years, and had already determined that none of them were paths I wished to pursue. However, with the future looming ever nearer, I began to lower my standards quite a bit. Finally, I decided I better just pick one, and that’s what I did. This leads us to the next emotion.
3. Peace?
This stage has a question mark because the peace was not actual peace. It was a fake peace! I had created it in my mind, as I attempted to convince myself that I had finally figured out a plan for my life. I decided to enroll in my college’s Nursing Program. Now, as many of you may recall, I attempted to pursue a Nursing Major while at BYU and didn’t even make it through the first day (They did a fantastic job weeding out the weak in that program, and I quickly jumped ship). However, I felt that the circumstances that surrounded me now were better suited for pursing a Nursing Career (At least for me. Others are a lot more brave and independent than I am and can get the job done).
1. I lived at home and would have the support system around me that I believed I needed. I’m in a comfortable environment, I get to talk to my mom every day, my dogs are here, and I can study in peace and quiet. What more could I need to succeed?
2. I am older now and know a little more about what to expect out of college. Those first couple of days at BYU were tough, and college hit me like a truck. With a few years under my belt, I am more accustomed to the level of work and dedication that is needed.
Yup, I had made my decision. I was still planning to pray about it, just to double check, but I felt I had finally figured out the plan for my life. And it felt wonderful! It felt like I had an enormous weight lifted off of my shoulders. Finally, I could go to church and family functions, and not be embarrassed by the fact that I did not have a plan. I HAD A PLAN!! I let myself bask in the glory that was relief for a few days, but after a while, I started getting this nagging feeling in my gut.
4. Anger
There have been times over the last year where I had felt prompted that a move to Utah might be in my future. Nothing else had ever really come of the prompting, though, so I kind of pushed it to the side, thinking that moving to Utah just wasn’t the plan the Lord had instore for me anymore. I was actually pretty relieved when I no longer felt compelled to move to Utah. After living in Utah for a year, I had determined that I never wanted to live in that state again. While there, I constantly missed the warmth, homey-feeling, and green chile of New Mexico (However, the time I spent with all of my friends and family in Utah was an incredible blessing that I would do over and over again. That's how much I love y'all). I was perfectly content and comfortable living in New Mexico. And there in squats the toad. The Lord helps us to grow and become more like Him by pushing us out of our comfort zones, even when we really don’t want to.
After making the decision to pursue my local Nursing Program, something just felt off, and I knew exactly what it was, but I didn’t want to admit. I attempted to ignore the promptings I was feeling, and rationalize the decision I had made. “Pursing the Nursing Program here is a great idea! My scholarship will cover it, I can save money by living at home. Logically, this is the right decision. Yup, I feel really good about it!” (denial. denial. denial). As we all know, the Lord doesn’t really work in logicalies (not a word, Ellie). After many a prompting from the Lord, I couldn’t deny the things I was feeling any longer. Although pursuing a Nursing Career was a good decision, and one that would make me happy, it wasn’t the best decision (Don’t you just hate those feelings?!?!?) I knew in my heart that the best decision was for me to move to Utah
The anger that spilled out of me over the next couple of days was overwhelming. I kept trying to pretend it wasn’t true, but I always knew it was. I spent many times on my knees before bed, begging the Lord to change his mind. I couldn’t believe the Lord was sending me to Utah, the only place I never wanted to live again. Not only that, he had given me no further steps in the plan!! Where in Utah would I live? What was I going to do? Get a job? Go to school? When was I supposed to move? I had no answers to any of these questions, and that only made me angrier. If I was going to have to move somewhere I hated, could I at least be given a little bit more of the plan? I cried so many times to my mom, repeating over and over again how unfair the situation was.
5. Acceptance
What an incredible Father in Heaven we have. Not only did he put up with that brat for way longer than anyone should have too, but he also brought peace and comfort to my soul. After many tears had been shed (and kind of a lot of yelling), I began to accept my fate. I would never be able to live with myself if I didn’t follow the promptings I had received. The Lord himself had told me that although my plan would make me happy, His plan was going to bring me unimaginable happiness. How can you not trust that?! I am so grateful for the peace and calm He has blessed me with over the past couple of days. I know for sure those feelings did not come from anywhere in this body.
Am I scared? You better believe it! I am completely terrified! Have any of my other questions been answered? Nope. Still don’t know when, where, or why I need to move to Utah (so, don’t expect me to move there anytime soon. I am going to put it off as loooooonnnnggg as possible). Heck, I don’t even know what I am going to do until I get the green light to head up North! However, I know in whom I can trust. Even when I was incredibly angry at the Lord, he still blessed me with guidance and peace. How amazing is that? I cannot deny the promptings He has given me about the future, and even though I down right hate them, I know that they will be for my good. At first I didn’t want to go to Michigan, but look at all of the incredible blessings that came from that experience! I wouldn’t trade those for the world! They all came from trusting Him. So, the lesson I have learned as of late is, don’t ignore the promptings from the Lord. Even when you despise them, he will find a way to sneak them into your heart, and make you realize that they are for the best.