DOWN, BUT NOT DEFEATED
In my phone I keep a running list of some of my potential blog ideas. A MONTH OF FUßBALL , A LETTER TO SUMMER 2018, and CAR RIDES WITH GRANDPA have all crossed paths with that list. I usually really think and pray about a blog topic before I start writing it, to make sure there is enough substance there. However, this morning I woke up knowing that I needed to write a blog about my thoughts over the past sixish months. It is a vulnerable part of my life, and something I never even thought about sharing. However, my feelings this morning just could not be ignored, and I knew I needed to throw my pattern of writing blogs to the wind. I started typing, and everything just came pouring out of me like a broken faucet. I personally believe that the Lord knew I needed to get my feelings out on paper. Maybe it will end up helping someone else, but I have a feeling it is going to help me the most.
I’d say in about October of last year, I was really struggling. It was the same problem you all have been putting up with for the entirety of my blogging journey, “What am I going to do with my life?”. As I tried over and over again to formulate a plan, the wonderful blessing of General Conference came riding in on a white horse to save the day. “Here, is where I will get my answer!”, I thought. I overanalyzed every session, hoping to find my answer in the sea of words. Although I was very uplifted by the wonderful talks that were given, the answer I had been searching for could not be found. I was a little upset, but the whirlwind of school and life managed to distract me from my worries.
A few weeks later, I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting, not wanting to be there. I was feeling alone, overwhelmed, and not invested. It kind of felt like the Lord wasn’t talking to me (even though we all know that is a LIE), and I was just tired of putting in any sort of effort to receive an answer. All of a sudden, (just like a few years before), as if a bolt of lightning had struck me from above, I received an answer to the question of what path I was supposed to take. I could not have been more thrilled. I began to research this path, constantly, and was a little too obsessed about it, to be honest. I was just so thrilled to finally have received an answer to my prayers, I wanted to shout my excitement from the rooftops.
Over the next few months, I did everything in my power to put my plan into action. However, nothing was working, and all of my efforts were met with resounding “nos”. By April, I was burnt out, and done trusting in the Lord’s plan for me (worst decision. Ever). I could not believe that my incredibly difficult year at BYU was repeating itself (to read about that experience, click here). I felt ashamed, embarrassed, even more lost than before, and absolutely done. It wasn’t that I was opposed to the Lord’s plan coming to fruition, I just wasn’t going to put in any effort any more. I would pray, and act on the prompting’s I felt, go to church, serve in my callings, but I wasn’t going to count on that plan actually happening. And I for sure wasn’t going to take any more steps to put the “plan” into action. All that had gifted me was heartache and a lack of faith.
Well, when you no longer have faith in the Lord’s plan for you, it starts manifesting itself in many aspects of your life. I began to be so sick of going to church. We would have these incredible talks and lessons on receiving spiritual guidance, and it would just bring up these terrible feelings and questions. “Was my answer a spiritual prompting?”, “Did I just make it all up in my head?”, “I don’t even know if I recognize what the Spirit feels like anymore.”. It took all of my power to not sprint for my car, leaving all of that stress and heartache in my wake. It seemed to me that I was constantly dealing with the same trials over and over again. I’d get inspiration, work my hardest to make it happen, and nothing would come of it. I. Was. Done. I’d go through the motions at church, read my scriptures at night to check it off of the list, and I began to let my testimony dwindle. I felt that Heavenly Father had abandoned me, and had led me down an incorrect path one to many times. I had lost the will to care.
Well, it is now August, and nothing has really changed. But it actually has. There are still times when I am bitter and angry at the Lord, feeling he has robbed me of an answer to my path in life. Sometimes I dread going to church, and the responsibility of my calling is the only thing keeping me in that seat on Sunday (I have a feeling that is part of the reason I received that calling). However, things have not been tinted with anger the entire last eightish months. There have been times of happiness, times of tender mercies, times of remembrance, and times where I have truly felt the love my Savior and Heavenly Father have for me. And those are the times I need to cling to. Those feelings and experiences can help us through the toughest storms. I have also come to the realization that I am the one that has to make the change. Am I in a good place right now? I mean, I am by no means in the worst place. I have a job I love, an incredible family, and a dog who wakes me up way too early, as she checks to ensure I am breathing. I am for sure blessed. Things could be better, though. It would be really be nice to know what in the heck my life will be like in the next year. However, just because I don’t have that answer, doesn’t mean I can’t have a happy life, and for sure doesn’t mean I am not blessed. Just because I feel alone, and like the Lord isn’t even hearing what I am saying, doesn’t mean that He isn’t there, trying to help me every step of the way. In my heart, I truly know that our Savior suffered every pain and affliction I have felt, even if I somehow manage to forget that sometimes. He truly knows exactly what I am going through right now, and with His help, I know I will make it through it.
I don’t know why the answers haven’t come yet, or if they have, why they haven’t been fulfilled. What I do know, is that I am not alone. My Heavenly Father and Savior are always with me, cheering me on and supporting me. I know that sometimes trials are just there, and sometimes they come to make us better. I am not sure what kind of trial this is, but I do know that a trial is not the time to lose all faith. Trials are the times we need our faith the most, even if they are the hardest times to keep it. I know I need to make an active effort to see the hand of the Lord in my life, to enjoy my time at my calling, to participate in church. Everyone has times where they are tried of shouldering their responsibilities! However, if become passive in my actions, I will begin to lose what I know in my heart to be so precious. As I continue to persevere, things will eventually get better. The answers for a plan cannot be withheld forever. Eventually, a choice will have to be made! When it does, I will be able to look back and laugh, and probably cry, about how fickle-hearted I was. Until then, I must actively try to make my situation better. I know as I do that, it will become just that. Better.