WHY AM I HERE?
Do you ever play the “what if” game in your head? What if I had stayed at BYU, instead of going on my mission? (I can tell you without a doubt, that would have been the worst decision I could have ever made!) “What if I had been able to make it the full eighteen months on my mission? What if I had been born in Germany? Would I have already met the German Soccer Player of my dreams? What if I had been born in a different time, when pasty skin was considered a little bit more attractive? What if I had walked into the library that day? (that one is a true story, y’all!)
As I have contemplated what to do with the next steps in my life, this has become one of my favorite games to play. What would my life be like if any of these situations had occurred differently? There are for sure times where I believe that had I taken different actions, my life would be “better” than it is right now. And then begins a different kind of game, one I like to title the, “Where Did I Mess Up?” Game. This is the ever-popular game where you overanalyze all of the decisions you have made in your life, and come to the conclusion that you have failed miserably at all of them.
Lately I have truly been feeling that the circumstances I am in right now are a result of poor decisions I have made. And it’s not even that my situation is bad! I have so many incredible blessings that I totally take for granted (A job I love, school, a wonderful family, DOGS, and so much more). It just isn’t where I thought I would be six years ago. By the age of 22, I thought I would have finished my mission in Germany, married the sweet German Soccer player I met there, and be almost finished with a degree in Nursing. When you look at what the plan was, you can see how it sometimes seems like I have failed miserably. The only logical reason I can attach to this failure is that it must be something I did. I didn’t finish my mission. I didn’t figure out a major fast enough. I didn’t go on enough dates (that last one is one of my dad’s thoughts, not mine). Somewhere along the line, I made a fatal flaw, and now there is no turning back.
This past Sunday at church, I had all of the epiphanies (and to think, I almost didn’t go!). In Sacrament Meeting, the speaker explained how even when everything is seeming to go wrong, we can always trust in the Lord and His plan for us. One point that the speaker touched on really pricked at my heart, and that is the fact that God doesn’t work in coincidences. Everything He puts in our path is for a reason (I mean, whoa!) The magnitude of those words did not hit me until the next hour, during Sunday School. The teacher and my fellow class members created an incredible spirit with their discussions and questions, and created an atmosphere where I could truly feel the Spirit, and receive much needed inspiration. As I sat in the class, pondering the answer to a fellow classmate’s question, suddenly my own question hit me. Why am I here? What am I doing in South Eastern New Mexico, right now? Why does the Lord want me HERE?
All at once, the speaker's words began to make sense. The Lord doesn’t work in coincidences. For the past year of my life, I have seen my current situation as the waiting room of the scariest dentist. Ever. I’ve just been gritting my teeth, trying to get through this “waiting period”, until I get to the things I am really looking forward to in this life. A career. A trip to Germany. A German Soccer Player Husband. In my mind, I had built up this “waiting period” in my life to be some form of punishment. Obviously, I had taken some wrong turn in my life, and now the Lord must punish me for my actions.
The Lord does NOT work in coincidences. When I stopped looking at my “stalemate” of a life as just that, but instead saw it as an opportunity, everything changed. The Lord, the Knower of literally all of the things, has me in South Eastern New Mexico, at this time and place, for a specific reason. It’s not a waiting room, it’s not a punishment, it’s not even an accident. I am here for a reason! Maybe I am supposed to help someone else. Maybe there is something I need to learn. Maybe the Lord knew my mom couldn’t handle having two kids out of the house at once. Maybe the German National Team will have a layover in South Eastern New Mexico! (You don’t know that it WON’T happen!). I am not quite sure exactly why the Lord has me here right now, but I know it was not by accident. And that changes everything. I know there will still be hard times, when I will wish I had it all figured out. Life wouldn’t be as interesting if I had it all figured out! (Although, given the trade, I would seriously consider the offer). However, I am hoping this latest epiphany will help me to have a more positive outlook on my situation. It gives me hope that this waiting period won’t last forever, because we all know that as soon as we get comfortable, the Lord loves to shake things up. However, while I am playing the waiting game, I am excited to discover why I am here.