DONE WAITING
Imagine: A twenty-three-year-old blogger, staring at a blank laptop screen, hoping for inspiration to strike. That has been me this entire week. I usually try to write my blogs a week to five days in advance, so that I have plenty of time to tweak and edit each one. For some reason, nothing has come to mind when I have sat down to write this blog over the last few days. I scrambled for ideas, tried to rewrite an old blog (which I didn’t really like in the first place), prayed for inspiration, and could not get anything to work. It is now Thursday, the morning before I am supposed to upload my blog for the world (well, that is if the world included like four people), and I am at a loss. So, I’ve decided to live on the edge a little today, and just write. I have no idea where today’s journey will take us, and I may just annoy you all with my crazy emotions (but technically I am one of those four people who reads this blog, so I feel I should get a say in what is presented 😉). Buckle up, I have a feeling today is going to be a wild ride.
Shockingly, I have been feeling a little down in the dumps as of late. I can think of at least two occasions in the past week where I have had to hold back tears at work (that’s right, boys, this wild ball of emotions is single!), and trust me, although slightly annoying, neither situation called for tears. Everything has just seemed a little overwhelming lately. School, Young Womens, picking a career path, deciding when to move to Utah, BYU’s rough season, it has all just been kind of getting to me.
One of my biggest “struggles” as of late is the questions. I have had one too many encounters where people kindly inquire as to what the future holds for me, and I embarrassingly have to state that I still have no idea (if any of you have asked me questions lately, please don’t feel bad. I am upset about my situation, not that you are lovingly interested in my life). You have no idea how badly I want to scream at them, “I AM TRYING. You do not know how hard I am trying to figure all of this out. I plead on my knees to know when, where, how, and why Utah. It is just not coming!”. Congratulations, you just got a real life glimpse into the mind of Negative (N)ellie (I am sure it is becoming very clear as to why I am still single). Despite the much desired outburst, I manage to keep those feelings in, put on a polite smile, and quickly pivot as to hide the tears that are trying to make their untimely appearance.
It feels like I am trying every possible avenue to discover what the plan is for my life, and nothing is coming. Well, I guess technically, something is coming, it is just an answer that I dislike with great passion. “Wait”. That word has consistently entered my life for the past twenty-three years, and I do not think there is a word I hate more in the entire English language (expect maybe patience). Here are some examples of the many times I have heard my least favorite word:
Just wait, you will eventually figure out a major to pursue.
Just wait, after your mission, things will become clear.
Just wait, you will eventually figure out when, where, how, and why to move to Utah.
Just wait, you will eventually move to Germany and marry the amazing soccer player of your dreams.
Okay, so maybe I made that last one up. However, maybe if I repeat that mantra enough, it will actually happen one day! It feels like my entire life has been a waiting game, and I am beyond done with it.
Last night, I prayed with the most negative outlook one could possibly have, hoping for the gift of blog inspiration. After waking up with still no ideas, I slowly made the pajama clad trek to my mom’s bedroom to bid her good morning (apparently we are British in my house 😉). As she sat, rearranging a shelf, she handed me a stack of papers. “Here, do you want to read your emails from your mission?” Y’all, the Lord truly does answer our prayers. Why do I doubt Him so often? (P.S. I am so grateful for a mother that is in tune with the Spirit) As I sat down, and began to leaf through the pile of emails, I realized this pile of treasure was actually emails I had written while at BYU. In my Book of Mormon class, we had been asked to write an email each week, and share a principle we had learned with someone we loved. Well, all I can say is that my nineteen year old self knew me really well. Past Ellie (Pellie?) knew Future Ellie (Fellie?) would still consistently struggle with negativity, and need every reminder she could get that life is good. So, here is the advice I gave myself in 2015, entitled, Storms Never Last:
“In my Book of Mormon class this week, we discussed the beginning chapters of the Book of Helaman. In Chapter 5, the prophets Nephi and Lehi are remembering some of the important things their dad had told them before he left this earth. This is how we got the wonder that is Helaman 5:12…The verse is very descriptive when it talks about Satan’s ‘storms’, and this can be kind of intimidating…[However], the storms of life cannot last forever, and if we have a firm foundation we can learn to withstand them”
I learned two very important things from this email. 1. My writing skills have greatly improved over the past few years. Why was I using so many exclamation points? 2. The storms of life do not last forever. All hard times do have their end, and many times we are incredibly grateful for the lessons that have come out of them. Eventually, I will no longer have to hold back tears when people ask me the plans for my future, but will instead be able to hold my head with pride as I present my plan (or just learn not to care so much what other people think, and laugh about the fact that I still don’t have a plan). I know in my heart of hearts that there is a reason the Lord is having me wait. I am really bad with patience, so maybe I just really need a lot of lessons on it. However, I believe that there is a greater purpose to my waiting. I am not quite sure what that reason is yet (I am sure I will have to wait for it 😉), but I know my Heavenly Father and Savior know what they are doing. I am so fickle, always over worrying, and wondering if they really know it all(Terrible, terrible thoughts). They truly do. Even when I have not been able to see how things could possibly turn out well, as I follow them and the answers they give me, I am truly blessed. I know one day I will be so grateful for the lessons that came from my years of waiting. However, right now, I kind of can’t wait for them to be over.
Thanks for coming along the venting train this week. I promise to make next week’s blog a little more peppy 😉.