WHAT I WANT YOU TO KNOW
About a month ago, one of my best friends from high school was able to come down and visit me (our other best friend is currently busy saving the world through ministry, and was unable to attend ☹). We sat at breakfast, catching each other up on jobs, family, and basically anything else that had occurred in the past year of our lives. Being the incredible friend that she is, she then let me go into what many would call a rant about being so confused with where my life was going. She took it like a champ as I bombarded her with words of anger, frustration, embarrassment, and confusion as to where Heavenly Father is leading my life. (if you don’t have a friend like mine, I would highly recommend getting one). Her empathetic words, smiles, and laughter were things that I really needed to hear.
As we sat and discussed all of the things that seemed to be going wrong in life, it kind of began to dawn on me that I was not giving the Lord enough credit (me? being negative and ungrateful? No. That doesn’t even sound like me). I quickly attempted to backpedal, and make sure my friend knew how grateful I was for how much the Lord had blessed me. I am not really sure I was able to dig myself out of the hole I created, and it left me pretty heartbroken. I never want someone to leave a conversation with me, thinking that I did not know how much my Heavenly Father and Savior love me (and them!), or how immensely blessed I am.
Although I left that breakfast feeling pretty upset with myself, it did give me inspiration for this blog post (always looking on the positive side 😉). I’m not perfect, and I am sure that there will be many other times where I fumble my words (or just full on rant), and sometimes cause people to question what I know to be true. However, I am hoping this blog post will be some sort of saving grace. There is so much sadness, heartache, and despair in this world, and I cannot imagine not having the knowledge that I always have someone to lean on. My Savior and Heavenly Father have always been there for me, even in times when I am clearly not there for them. They truly help me to feel peace in my times of confusion and frustration, and I hope that I am always able to project that knowledge to others.
One of the phrases that kept cropping up in our conversation was, “stuck in a rut”. I’m stuck in a spiritual rut, I feel like God is not answering my questions. I am stuck in a rut, I keep trying to pick a career path, but every time I do, the Lord helps me to understand that it is not the right decision. The past couple of months, there have been times where I have felt completely and utterly hopeless. Sometimes it feels like I will never be able to figure out what the course for my life should be. However, in those darkest of times, the Savior and my Heavenly Father have always brought me immense peace, and times of great happiness. Hard times are bound to come in our lives, but not only will Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ gift us peace during those times, they will also help lead us through it. Who else would we want on our side?
Lately, it seems that the Savior and Heavenly Father have been getting a pretty bad rap. I for sure am guilty of being irritated and unbelieving of them, sometimes. However, I never want to be remembered as an example of someone who was let down by my Savior and Heavenly Father, because I haven’t been. Not once. Every single time a door has been shut in my face, or an answer has been “no”(or even “yes” when I really don’t want it to be), it has always been for my good. I can truly see the Lord’s hand leading and guiding my life, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I am grateful a thousand times over every day for that incredible blessing. Being in Christ’s church has brought me incredible happiness. And not just surface level, forget it the next day happiness (although, watching the Young Women use cardboard boxes to dress up as Scripture Characters is for sure one of the highlights of my leadership career), but true and lasting joy. There have been countless times where I have been sitting in church, a lesson, General Conference, or even a youth activity, and am overcome with indescribable happiness, simply because of the Gospel. It truly makes me the happiest I have ever been, and that is saying a lot coming from a Negative (N)ellie.
So, to my sweet friend who listened to my entire rant: Girl, I love you so much, and I am so grateful to have you in my life. I hope that I did not discourage you, or cause you to have feelings of confusion. I truly know that Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father love you, because I know from experience that you are so easy to love (and they somehow love me, which says a lot). It is so difficult and confusing to remember how much they love us when we are going through difficult times, but I know they truly do. I know that they are always there for us, even when it really doesn’t feel like it, directing our lives into adventures we could not possibly imagine. I know this, because I have seen it in my own life. My mission, my freshmen year at BYU, writing a blog, even moving to New Mexico when I was 10, all adventures I so did not want to go on, but ones I am eternally grateful for now. I am so sorry that I lived up to my title during our breakfast. Please forgive me, and always remember how loved you are.