WHY I WRITE
Why? Why do I write? We are all familiar with the story of why I started blogging (if not, check it out here). After many, many, many ignored promptings from the Lord, I decided to trust Him, and start my blogging journey. I didn’t really know the “why” behind this new adventure, though. I was hopeful that others around me would actually enjoy my writing, and that it could possibly turn into a career path, or at least some extra money. Well, after a year and a half, it sometimes feels like I don’t have a ton to show for all of my hard work. Four fans, (who I adore, btw.) many failed attempts at getting my work published, and a slightly more refined writing style are not the things I expected to get out of this journey.
So, why? Why do I keep writing? Why do I keep writing, when it sometimes feels as if I’m forcing my friends and family to do a service by reading my work? Why do I keep writing, when the weeks get busy, and I really don’t have the time to squeeze in a blog? Why do I keep writing, when it’s the day before the blog is up, and I am still at a complete and utter loss for a topic? Why do I keep writing, when it brings me so much stress? Why do I keep writing, when it breaks my heart with every rejection I receive?
As you can see, there are many, many reasons for me to end my writing journey right here and now. Do not fear! For the foreseeable future, I plan to continue embarrassing myself online and making my loved ones serve me 😉. When I started my blog, I had a very narrow view as to what I could get out of it. I thought perhaps my blog would be read by some big influencer, and maybe I could be hired by an online magazine or something. (ahh, lofty, silly dreams). The only benefits I could see this blog bringing me were materialistic. I thought maybe this was the answer to my prayers about what to do career wise, or it could at least help me make some extra cash to pay for any other career I chose to pursue. As always, I was very wrong about why the Lord wanted me to take on this adventure, and as always, I am so grateful I was.
Over the year and a half that I have been writing as Negative (N)ellie, there is a very good chance that I have not been able to help anyone else (the odds are very, very likely). However, I cannot begin to explain how much this blog has changed me. It has given me such greater insight into how much the Lord really loves me. Every week or two, I sit down, stare at a laptop screen, and really ponder over what has been occurring in my life lately. What challenges have I faced? Have any of my previous challenges been resolved? Have there been any tender mercies I have noticed recently? (there are always like a billion) Are there any that I am willing to share with the world? As I analyze and attempt to put a piece together that others might enjoy, I am forced to take a look at my life, and really see the Lord’s hand in it. I am so grateful for the opportunities I have to review the Lord’s love for me at church, in prayer, and in my journal. However, when I forced myself to put my feelings out for the world to see, my eyes were opened even more to how much the Lord blesses me in the everyday.
Blogging has given me some much needed perspective. When I write about my sorrows, troubles, and heartaches, I am able to trace my steps, like a map, and see how the Lord was getting me where I needed to be. I am able to reflect, and see how the plans I had for myself, would never have made me as happy as following the Lord’s plans have. I can go back and read over the small, important changes I have made in my character, that have helped me to become the better person I am today. Recalling some of my hardest trials, through my own words, I am in awe at how much I truly needed those trials. Even when I was so angry with the Lord, and begged Him to take them away from me, He loved me enough to put me through them.
I got so much more out of this blogging thing than I bargained for. All of the hopes and dreams I had at the beginning of this journey; I seriously don’t care about them now. Like for real, I really don’t want all of the pressure that comes with having more than five people read your words. I am happy, content, and grateful for my little band of followers, that support me, and they are really all I need. And most of the time, I am not really writing for them. I am writing for me! That, is why I continue writing. Writing this blog has been a journey that has helped me to develop such a great relationship with my Savior and Heavenly Father, and that is something I would not trade for anything. I am so much more aware of Their love for me, and how often they put up with me, if I am being honest. I am more trusting in Their plan for me, and am slightly more willing to follow it. I can actively see Their hands in my life, and am reminded of it daily. Writing this blog has further planted and rooted my testimony in Christ. Why would I ever give that up?