27 YEARS OF GRATITUDE

For reasons lost on me, I cannot find the right words to describe how I'm feeling right now.

Ok, that was a lie. I have found A LOT of the right words to describe how I'm feeling. With tear-stained cheeks and angry fingers I have eloquently explained how frustrated I am. How lost I feel. How it's taking far more work than it should just to put one foot in front of the other.

Over the years, writing has become more than a hobby to me. It's a way to vent, a way to sort out my problems, a way to draw closer to my Savior and Heavenly Father. Unfortunately, the creations listed above did none of those things.

My words of desperation did not bring peace, they did not bring clarity or relief, and they sure did not bring happiness. No matter the font, the size, or the choice in vocabulary, the posts I tried to force into the square hole would not fit. I knew they were not the messages He wanted me to relay.

So, I prayed for guidance, and then dismissed the suggestion He provided me with. Creating instead another bag to add to the endless line of garbage, I settled the matter in my heart. This was the post for the week, and nothing was going to sway me from my decision.

Except for the nagging feeling in my chest Monday morning.

With far too much to do, and unsure even where to begin, I asked again for direction, and the words began to flow through me. Just like they used to.

Life is hard right now, it's true. Things could be better, but as I've taken a step back and allowed Him to choose what fills my vision, I am reminded that things are also pretty great.

I have been blessed with an incredible twenty-seven years of life, and although they did not take me where I expected to be, they still deserve to be celebrated and honored. As such, I have selected one thing from each year of Ellie that I am grateful for, knowing the list will never encompass all the Lord has done for me.

1995: Being born in the perfect family for me. Cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents, I wouldn't be who I am if I had missed even a single one of them.

1996: Blankets, baby sitting duties, and big smiles, '96 was when my finger wrapping abilities hit a certain grizzly grandpa in full swing.

1997: Proving I could wrap not one, but two men around my finger, our first pet Sally was gifted to me by my father.

1998: The year one of my best friends was born. Did I know it at the time? No. Do I wish I had realized it sooner? Yes.

1999: One of our years spent in California, the only memories I can bring to the surface are bits and pieces of the oddest things. However, that entire time period has this feeling of joy surrounding it, and I know it is because my parents worked so hard to make it so with what little they had.

2000: His tutelage might have begun years before, (and we mean years) but this is the first time I can remember developing the proper amount of respect for Batman that my younger brother felt he deserved.

2001: When I met the first person I can remember calling my best friend, I hope she knows I am still cheering her on from the sidelines.

2002: I really hit it the jackpot in the teacher department each and every year. However, it is my second-grade teacher, who gifted me Roald Dahl's Matilda, that instilled in me a lifelong love affair with reading.

2003: One of my first flirtations with running, which would one day become my greatest resource for stress relief. Unfortunately, that day did not reside within this year.

2004: The first time I was asked to participate in a talk at church. It's comforting to know that no matter how bad I feel my talks are now, none can be as humiliating as bolting headfirst from the pulpit.

2005: Moving from the beauty of PA to what I thought was the hideousness of NM. Oh, how I needed this desert to bring me out my shell and surround me in the love of community.

2006: Located now in small town USA, I was exposed to the beauty that is high school football.

2007: My first year attending Young Womens, the leaders, peers, and experiences I was blessed with in the program throughout the next six years have no idea how they helped to shape both myself and my testimony.

2008: Late to the party, but mark the date and time. My one true love, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, stepped off of the page and into my life in 2008.

2009: The year one of my favorite tv shows of all time, The Middle, first aired. My family and I still share what we deem "the best" moments from it on a daily basis.

2010: My first experience at EFY, where my cousin and I became inseparable, and my testimony began to truly take root.

2011: Not a true statement for all, but Junior High held some of my favorite grades in school. The most fun I had in cheer, devouring books by the dozens, laughs with the friends I needed in that time frame. Junior High is a time I am very thankful for.

2012: Though tears were shed as we said goodbye, an unbreakable bond between a Sophmore and a Senior was solidified.

2013: The year Bayern won the Treble, and my unwavering devotion to Die Mannschsft was planted.

2014: Ahh, BYU. Not the place of my dreams I had always thought it would be, but the gifter of incredible game-night memories and the best roommate one could ever ask for.

2015: Heartbroken and faith-tested, the Lord proved to me that He never abandons us, no matter how far we stray.

2016: The beginning of my short-lived mission. Though not as long as I had hoped, the changes made in me during my stay in Michigan have left a permanent mark on my heart and character. This is where I started to know Christ.

2017: After years of hinting promptings, Negative (N)ellie was born.

2018: The start of the best job I could ever have. Love you ladies!

2019: Though not my first year working with them, my sweet Young Women have no idea how much serving them changed me for the better. More confident, more understanding, closer to the Lord. I am proud of who I am today due to each and every one of them.

2020: Forced proximity knitting our family together, a needed escape resulted in I Prefer Spinster.

2021: A, "see you later", to Grandpa resulted in an incredible friendship with Grandma.

2022: The year I finally achieved the dream of becoming Charlotte Lucas. Who wouldn't want to become like their heroes?

Now that feels right.