A YEAR WITH MY SAVIOR

This picture could be my image for the year. If I had to pick something to incapsulate it all, this would be it. Because the whole time, He was leading me through.

My Savior really showed up for me this year. Or, I guess more properly put, I was better at recognizing how He always shows up for me. I feel like the past twelve months have been the moments where I have gotten to know Him the most. Truly know Him. He spent every second with me in those valleys. Not for a minute did He think of leaving me there. He always brought me up and out.

And that deserves to be honored. And celebrated. All year long, of course, but especially now. And not just because of the fact that this is the time of year we celebrate the gift that is Him. But for me, personally, I feel it my duty to testify of Him, and all He has done for me. Because this year has been me and Him. And I never want to forget that. I want others to know about that.

I’ve decided to break it up into seasons, selecting a moment with my Savior from each one. There are hundreds and thousands of more, but four felt like enough.

Spring

“I don’t believe what I’m telling you.”

That was the thought that kept circling round and round in my head as I looked at the faces of those bright, beautiful Young Women. After fumbling my way through a lesson I knew the Lord had inspired me to prepare, I hoped the message He had for those girls had made it through.

Because, if it had been left up to me, there was no chance it would have.

I’d spent the hour preaching to them that the Savior loved them, that He knew them, that even the moments that didn’t feel like it were filled with His love.

When I prepared the lesson weeks before, I’d believed it. But now? Not so much.

I could not understand how, in the struggles I was currently facing, the Lord’s love could possibly be found there. It didn’t seem logical. And thinking so only hurt, because this? This was not love to me.

As the months passed, my eyes were opened, and I saw. I saw that it was love. I saw that I had a long way to go. I saw that the lessons on imperfection, loving myself, and trusting His timing were all indications of His love. He did love me. He loved me to give me what I needed, not what I thought I wanted.

What I had preached to those girls was true. The Savior loved me, and He loved them.

Summer

“I can’t do this anymore.”

I couldn’t, I really couldn’t.

Online dating. Worrying about dating. The set ups. The questions, mine and others. Wondering what was wrong with me, what I had done wrong. What it could possibly mean that I hadn’t found someone yet.

I couldn’t do it anymore. It was eating me alive. It was sucking my soul. It was giving me headaches and making me believe that love couldn’t possibly be a real thing.

But I was afraid, I was afraid to stop pursuing it. Because, giving up? Months before my twenty-ninth birthday? When everyone and their dog seemed to focus on that sole hole in my life?

And what would it mean to Him, to give up? What would He think if my faith in Him fell so short that I wasn’t even trying anymore? How could He bless me if I didn’t put in the effort?

But, the effort just didn’t feel possible anymore.

So, I prayed to know what to do. And He answered, as He always does.

Looking back now, I swear I can almost hear Him telling me to breathe. To take a step back. To relax. To give it to Him, despite my worries and those of others.

And with His help, I did just that. And went on a journey that allowed me to see who I really am. What I’m really ready for. What I like about myself. What I could stand to work on. And all the while, He was there. Reminding me of the Child of God that I am, that I am His.

Fall

Anxiety.

My Fall, straight up, was marked by anxiety. I have never experienced it to that degree before, and I cringe even trying to look back at those months and days. I don’t want to return. I can’t carry those feelings anymore.

Because, at the time, they were all consuming. My fear was all I could think about, with brief breaks coming from the laughter of Primary children. I was drowning, and it didn’t feel like my Savior was trying to save me. At all.

I called out to Him. I begged Him. I pleaded with Him to take it away. He wouldn’t.

I switched tactics. I inquired of Him how I could be strong enough to fight against it. I would succeed for a while, but always, I would slide back. Feeling more defeated than ever, because I could not make it through. I wasn’t strong enough to put my shoulder down and muscle my way out.

Finally, with the small spark of faith I had left, I asked Him how He would like me to handle the challenges facing me. And the seas parted, as they always do.

He didn’t take it away. He didn’t try to make me do it all on my own. He asked me to take His hand and let Him lead me. And when I finally did, we began to make it through together.

Winter

Just a few days ago, I did something really hard. For me, it was really hard. For others, not so much.

The week leading up to the task I had agreed to take on, I was a mess. Stress headaches, wishes to get sick, anger that the Lord was making me do this. How could He do this to me? Didn’t He know how much I was already struggling? Didn’t He know I was barely through the last trial? Why throw another one my way? Did He know this one was hitting me right where it hurts the most?

No miraculous colds came. The day arrived, I was perfectly healthy, and I had to go.

And, of course, it was not near as bad as I expected it to be. Not wonderful. Not the time of my life. But not horrible by any means.

But that is not where I saw Christ. I saw Him sitting beside me when I started to feel really alone. When self-consciousness kicked in, and I was ready to make a beeline for the door.

I swear, I could hear Him laughing and joking with me, working to put my mind at ease. The weight of His comfort was almost like an arm around me, not holding me in place, but reminding me I was not alone. And when I no longer pictured Him beside me, He sent someone else to come and take His place and make me feel like I belonged.

He was a friend to me that day. A friend I have spent all year getting to know.

My testimony isn’t perfect. In the heat of the battle, I question, I doubt, I wonder where in the world my Savior could possibly be. But what I’ve learned in this year with Him is that hanging on is enough. Choosing to trust Him, even when you don’t and you are kind of just going through the motions, is a small act of faith that He can work for our good. He is a miracle worker. I’ve seen it first hand.

He is the Prince of Peace. He is the quieter of my soul. He is the person I can bare myself to. He is a sender of angels to help us on the way. He is the one who can see to the break in our storm when we are fighting through the waves. He is the one that carries us there when we can’t go on. He is the one who inspires others to reach out a helping hand, a friendly laugh, or a needed hug.

He is our Savior. He has been through it all. He truly does know our pains, sufferings, sins and weaknesses. Those are not false words, they are true. He has proved them to me this year, and I would be amiss to not proclaim what I know to be truth. I may not always believe it in the moment, but I know it to be true.

Christ is our Savior, our Redeemer, our Best Friend, our Protector, our Healer, our Guide, and so much more. Endless are His titles. Endless is His love. I feel so honored that He took the time, and helped me to see, those truths this year.