BELIEVING HIM
I bore my testimony on the subject delved into below a few weeks ago, but felt it deserved a place of honor here on the blog.
And also, I don't know if you've heard of, "Testimony Amnesia", but it's real and it plagues me each time I get up and speak at the pulpit. Every carefully crafted word I've hand-picked flies out the window, leaving me rotating through the same phrases over and over and over again.
How is one supposed to get a message across like that?
I was a person blessed with a love of obedience. My mother claims that as a toddler, she could park me in the center of the room, tell me not to move, and I would heed that command to the tee.
Following the rules has never been a question for me, and I never had any questions about it. Give me a command, and I will obey. In school, at home, and at church.
Perhaps this makes for a child that minds well in class and in Primary, (although, the rambunctious ones are some of my favorites. They always give me a good laugh) but my need for obedience has tripped me up often as a teenager and as an adult.
There is nothing wrong with trying your best to do what is right, that is a good and admirable journey to take. However, when drawn out to extremes, it is a consistent wound to the soul, the attributor, and to those around them.
As I've watched The Chosen, as we've studied the New Testament, and as I've begged on my knees for relief from the consuming pressure of perfectionism, I've cringed, because unfortunately, I can spot myself among the Pharisees.
Dedicated to the law, they felt it their duty to make sure themselves and all of those around them were following the law to its letter, and in the process, missing out on the whole point of what the law was. On who the whole point of the law was.
"The Jews therefore said unto him that was cured, It is the sabbath day: it is not lawful for thee to carry they bed."
Would I have been enraged, shocked, or upset that the Savior of the World would heal someone on the sabbath day?
I sure hope not.
But I know, I know that I have put both myself and others behind following an order to exactness. Have hurt people, and myself, for not executing the commandments to their "fullness". Have lost sight of my Savior, or perhaps never gained full sight of Him, because I was so lost to the rules set before me.
I was "obedient", but in reality, I wasn't. I had "faith", but I really didn't. I believed in Christ, but I didn't believe Him.
Didn't believe Him when He said I was enough, that I was forgiven, that I was whole and worthy of love just as I was. That yes, He wanted more for me, but not at the expense of absolutely hating myself.
Didn't see that the point of the Plan of Salvation, the Atonement, His sacrifice, all of it, was not to let me claw my way as far as I could, and then He would weigh out if it was enough. His suffering was not the backup plan, but the plan, and I was not using it to its fullest potential.
I was believing that my ability to keep everything to perfection was what mattered. I believed my obedience would save me, that it was my worth and my value, when it couldn't and wasn't.
I was unknowingly trying to save myself, not letting Him into help when that was desperately what He wanted to do.
I had not understood the reason behind His commandments in the first place: to get to know Him. To come to Him. To become more like Him.
It wasn't rules He was just giving me to follow, it was a way to get to know me. To get to know Him. To get to know each other. And to do this together.
Two different sources helped me to get to this point of clarity, to see myself as my Savior does, and I had listened to them both before. However, after being inspired to listen to them both once more, it was miraculous to see how everything finally clicked into place.
I could not recommend either of these auditory treasures more. They are so, so good. I cannot describe how much I connected to the stories and lives of both Lee and Robinson's wife.
Finally, I felt like someone understood how I felt. Finally, someone else was finished by the all-consuming need for perfection. Finally, someone could see and understand that I felt I was not measuring up, and how much it was killing me.
Because if perfection, if exact obedience was the goal, then I would never measure up. I would always fail. I was always disappointing my Savior.
And that is exactly how it felt. It didn't feel like this loving person I could come to and give my worries to. Because, I had created my own worries, had I not? By not being precisely obedient, by not following every command, every prompting, every suggestion from my own, tumultuous thoughts, I had crafted my own storm.
Why would the Savior of the World want to help me with that? He'd told me what to do. I hadn't done it, and now I had to deal with consequences that came with disobedience.
What a cruel way to live, is it not? Not just for myself, but for others. Because, although I almost always viewed those around me as far ahead of me on the Gospel ladder, I know my self-judgmental thoughts leaked out from me and onto them. Even subconsciously.
Both the podcast interview and the speech have finally, finally helped me to see who my Savior really is. Who my mother, for all of these years, has tried to convince me He is. Who He has been trying to convince me He really is.
How He really sees me.
I am flawed. I make mistakes. I am far from perfect, and I need His help every single day.
I know, those are duh statements, but to me, they are so, so freeing. Because they are not condemnations, they are facts. Facts that every single one of us has. And He loves us all, just like that. He suffered for all of us, just like that. He wants to help us, just like that.
I cannot tell you how liberating it is, to drop the chains that were binding me to the point that I could not breathe. How joyful and humbling it was to say to Him, "I can't do it all the right way. I am going to mess up often, and I am going to need your help always."
And instead of a scoff or some other noise of disappointment, to feel Him smile on me, and to hear Him say back, "I know. That is the point."
It is incredible, to realize that, "my best", is not the same as perfect. It is not doing everything exactly right. It varies from day to day, from minute to minute, and that is ok. It is not a failure, I am not upsetting Him or leaving Him wanting more.
On the days where I collapse in bed and get out a two-sentence prayer, that is enough for Him.
On the days where the talk I listen to in the morning inspires me to do better, that is enough for Him.
On the days when I burst in frustration, but chase it with an apology, that is enough for Him.
On the days where I have to pray to see myself as He does, that is enough for Him.
I am enough for Him. My worth is not based on how well I can follow a set of rules. He already set my worth when He sacrificed Himself for us all that Good Friday so many years ago. To Him, it's priceless. To Him, I am worth it.
No matter how many times we have to go back and start again. No matter how many times I make the same mistake over and over and over again. No matter how many times my faith wavers as I cannot see the path ahead, He is there the entire way.
That was the whole purpose. That was what He wanted. To help me. He does not expect perfection. He doesn't want me to just obey, He wants me to know Him. To know what He thinks of me. To know that we are forever on this journey together, and He wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
Christ says I am not a failure, and I am finally starting to believe Him.
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