FAITH IS NOT NAIVETY

“Help thou, my unbelief.”

I’m a cynic at heart. I struggle to see the good. I always assume the worst case scenario is the most likely scenario. The true scenario. I can sometimes believe that my negative viewpoint is actually the Lord speaking to me.

As if my hope is foolish musings, and when I crash back down to reality and discover that things turned out as my fearful mind predicted, my Savior is looking over me in disappointment. With judgement in His eye, He whispers, “I told you so. Why didn’t you listen to me?”

Within the last few months, the plans I’d set in place began to take form and shape. Before that point, I was not the best at letting myself believe or dream or picture what these moments would look like when they arrived. When all of my tears, heartache, and work came together to present me with everything I’d been striving towards.

Why? Because that would jinx it, obviously. And positivity was not the right way to think about it. Hope was wrong. It wasn’t what the Lord wanted for me. Believing in the good was just being naïve.

But, it was so close. I could practically taste my dreams. They were going to come true. Nothing was going to change that.

Which is true. Which is so, so true, but when they don’t come in the time and place you’ve been fantasizing about? It confirmed that my hopes were what I’d always predicted them to be. Foolish.

I didn’t realize it, but in the midst of changes and altered timelines, this viewpoint began to bleed into every single part of my life. Sometimes I could keep it at bay, check the negative thoughts and remember that there was just as much chance that the good would happen as the bad. But in this moment? In the moments of highest stress?

Nah. I was full on Negative (N)ellie.

My book isn’t going to be published.

I’m never going to find someone.

I wasn’t meant to be a wife and mother.

The Savior doesn’t care about me.

He isn’t real.

The Gospel isn’t true.

Why? Because those things brought me joy. Believing them brought me the greatest joy I could have possibly imagined. But that was proof, in and of itself, that it couldn’t have been true. Life is full of disappointments. It’s unfair. Better to prepare than hope in a change that won’t come.

I know. I’ve been a super fun person to be around.

But, it wasn’t that I was just down in the dumps and whining about my life. Although, I was for sure doing that. I truly, with all of my soul believed it. I thought having faith was naïve.

So, even though I was reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, going to church, doing all of the steps that were supposed to draw me to Him, they weren’t. Because I was blocking Him with the walls I’d thrown up to protect myself. To protect myself from being let down, to protect myself from being blindsided by trials that upended me, to root out my own foolishness, I chose not to believe.

In His love. In His goodness. In His ability to heal. To work it all for our good. In His ability to work miracles. I didn’t believe any of it.

And I was miserable. Living cynically is horrible. It sucks. And believe it or not, it doesn’t bring you any peace. Or joy. It doesn’t offer assurance, or keep you safe in any way. In fact, I think it made me more susceptible to the adversaries tricks and lies. Because I wasn’t believing the truth that was right in front of me.

Having faith is not naieve. It’s not foolish. It’s not living in a fantasyland. It’s accepting truth. It’s living in truth. In a world that refuses to believe, it is making the braver choice.

Having faith is brave. And enlightening. And freeing. It’s the truth so rooted inside us that we can feel it, we can feel the difference it makes in our life. When we choose to see the good, when we believe in good things to come, we are drawing ourselves to Him. It is not delusional, it is allowing ourselves to clearly see.

And it is a decision. A decision that is so, so hard sometimes. But choosing hope instead of despair? Yeah, I’d rather choose the truth.

That doesn’t mean things will always work out like we hope. It doesn’t mean there won’t be heartbreaks and setbacks and confusions. But, it does mean that we know He won’t allow those to hold us back. That He does have a plans. That He is involved in it all. That one day we will see how it all worked out. That choosing the good will make us more like Him.

So, I’m doing my best to remember that truth: faith is not naivety. It’s embracing truth.

I’m choosing to believe that He’s not done with me yet. That this story hasn’t reached it’s end. That choosing joy is so much braver than choosing despair.