FASTING FOR CLARITY

"What to fast for? What to fast for?"

Kneeling beside my bed, my head resting on my folded arms, I was wracking the brain inside of that head for ideas on what to fast for.

On the first Sunday of each month, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has a special meeting we call Fast and Testimony meeting. During this time, members of the congregation obstain from something (usually food and drink for the space of a couple of meals) so as to draw closer in their connection to God. They then have the opportunity to bear their testimony of Jesus Christ at church that morning.

While fasting, one prays and ponders over Jesus Christ and His sacrifice for us, while also hoping to expand in that extra tie to God. This can be accomplished through asking for guidance, perhaps pleading on someone else's behalf or one's own, or just petitioning for extra feelings of comfort and strength during a trial. A fast is a personal moment between you and the Lord, and is an incredibly sacred experience.

Usually, I have somewhat of an idea of what I need to fast for, or who I need to fast for, when the first Sunday rolls around. However, on this particular Saturday evening, as I prepared to start my fast, I didn't have a clue.

My fingers tapping out a rhythm on my crossed arms, I thought and thought and thought. Coming up with nothing, I turned it over to the Lord. If anyone knew what I or my loved ones needed the most in that moment, it was Him.

"What should I fast for?" I asked, most likely sneaking a peek up at Heaven as if the answer would be sent down to stand in front of me.

Quietly, in just the whisper of a thought, a word came to me. "Clarity."

"Clarity?" My initial reaction was not one of gratitude. More like confusion, and then rejection. "Why would I fast for clarity? I don't want to fast for that."

Foolish, foolish girl. Who wouldn't want more clarity? Apparently, pre-fast Ellie. But unable to shake the feeling, I agreed, tacking on a few other requests for good measure.

The next morning, I awoke and said another prayer, almost misremembering what I had fasted for. Then, at church, I got up and bore my testimony of Christ, (Why do those testimonies always flash by in a blur, leaving you wondering what the heck you even said at the pulpit?) and came back to my pew with flaming cheeks and a hope that at least something worthwhile about my Savior had come across in my words.

A lovely Sabbath Day followed, coming to a close when I ended my fast and forgot all about the guided suggestion.

Until, my blessing of clarity came at full force during the week.

My current WIP (Work in Progress) has been giving me all sorts of trouble in the last six months. Maybe it's because I love this story so, so much. Maybe it's because I think it's one the Lord wants to be heard, and I need to get it right. Maybe it's because the Lord has had to teach me a lot about myself throughout it. Maybe it's because I've never written a novel like this one before. Maybe it's because my brain is tired and overworked. (In a self-inflicted manner, of course.)

So many maybes, but the reasons behind them don't really matter. Ok, they do, but not in this blog post 😂

The end result of all of these ingredients of stress is that my mind is mush. Cloudy. Foggy. Lying to itself.

I couldn't see my story. I couldn't see how the parts fit together, or if they did. I couldn't begin to tell if any of the elements were good, if the plot made sense, if there was too much or too little that was jamming up the flow. It was all just a hot, hot mess, and I didn't know how to make heads or tails of it.

The third draft had been easier, as it always is, but I was so, so worried coming up to the last hundred pages. Would I be able to tie everything together? Would it make sense? Could I make it make sense?

At times, it didn't feel like I could. As I prayed for guidance, I was given it, but for the home stretch on this beloved novel, I needed a little push.

Of course, I didn't think to request for the added aid, but He did. He knew exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it, and exactly how to ask for it. Because, guess where I was drafting at the week after my fast for clarity?

Thattttttsssss right. The end of my novel. The point where you hope that all your pulling and tugging and weaving in of ends has resulted in a beautiful tapestry of a tale. One that actually makes sense 😂

Guys, I don't know how to properly describe the process of what happened that week. It's like the window of my mind was cleaned. I could see through the grime and the gunk to the heart of my book, of what I wanted to tell with it, what He wanted me to tell with it. My worried heart was at ease.

And it wasn't as if that fog didn't creep back in sometimes. But as I prayed and persevered and came back and tried again, I could really, really see. I had clarity. Everything was clear.

Gosh, our God is so good. He gave me this beautiful blessing, one I didn't even think to ask for, and it was just what I needed. More aware of what would help me than I ever could be, He nudged me in the right direction, sat by me as I wrote, and helped me to craft the story that I love.

He did that. For me. The girl with the story that no one has even read yet.

He is aware. He is in the details, the details that lead to big things. He knows what He is doing, and we can trust Him. Even when it seems silly or odd or a choice that is coming straight out of left field, we can trust Him to guide us along along the way. He wants to help us, and as we let Him, we can't help but stand back in awe at all He has done.