FROM PAIN TO PURPOSE

“I just don’t feel the same way about you.”

Well, that’s it. I laid my heart on the line, and it has now been crushed into a billion pieces. Pieces so small, I have absolutely no idea how to even begin putting it back together again, or if I will ever be able to.

How could this have happened?

Several years removed Ellie has much clearer eyes on this situation. First heartbreaks are rough, even rougher when they come at twenty-six. And I think that is where the true source of the pain lies. From it not being my turn, again.

I don’t think it was actually about the boy in question, though, he was great and wonderful and an awesome friend. No, I think my broken heart came more from the hope of a life of singleness finally coming to an end. And when it didn’t, it left me so utterly confused.

Because, why? Why wasn’t it happening yet? Why was it not my turn? What in the world was I doing wrong?

This was a moment that had me questioning it all. How? How could my Savior and Heavenly Father “love” me, when this was the result of trusting Them? I’d met this boy doing service for Them, and this was my reward? Cheeks red with humiliation. A ruined birthday. Confusion. Total confusion. Loss of hope. Fear. Anger. Bitterness.

And at the end of the day, feeling more alone than ever, because now, I couldn’t even trust Them. I wasn’t putting anything in Their hands, again. It would only break.

Ahh, can I still be given the grace reserved for teenagers in that moment, as it was indeed my first heartbreak? No. Ok, understandable.

Though I was internally, and a little externally, questioning my Savior and Heavenly Father in that moment, They never abandoned me. They never betrayed me, as I felt They had. No, even when I was questioning Their very character, They were proving it to me, behind the scenes.

Before the text messages that will never again be looked at were exchanged, little, baby Ellie was in desperate need of a distraction. Confused by the long gaps in between conversations (a clear sign to Wiser Ellie that, HE DOES NOT LIKE YOU), I needed to find something to keep my swirling thoughts and questions from completely taking over. And I found it, in books, of course.

After scouring fellow sweet-read-lover’s Instagram accounts like, The Clean Read Book Club and KD Call, I stumbled upon one of my now all time favorite authors, Emma St. Clair. Oh, how I love her, and I was hooked instantly by the very first book of hers I picked up, The Bluff.

Within just a few months, and through a rejection that felt like it was not only coming from a boy, but from my Savior and Heavenly Father, too, I devoured every book St. Clair had to offer. Though I was beginning to feel as though I would never do enough to earn myself the type of love I was reading about, I could at least enjoy it from afar. And I did, and entered a whole new world. A world with people like me in it.

A world where people want romance, but they want it to be sweet. These were my people, and I was so glad to have found them. And it didn’t end with Emma St. Clair. I found so many authors who crafted books seemingly just for me. (If you would like a full list of my all-time favorite authors I discovered during this time, click here.) These ladies truly helped me to get through one of the darkest periods of my life, and they don’t even know it. They have no idea they were an answer to prayer I hadn’t even had the strength to utter.

Among these incredible weavers of words was Kortney Keisel. She created The Desolation series, which felt like the books I had so missed from when I was a teenager. However, I also adored her Sweet Rom “Com” series, which contains the books that would later fill me with much-needed inspiration.

I had read other book series where the characters in each were interconnected, but never one in which it was all in the family. Where a set of siblings became the staring characters for each and every book. I loved it. And, it sparked a dream in my brain.

I’d had an idea for one story. Not even really an idea, but the beginning of an idea. And yet, with all of these authors’ words in my head, my own little family of characters, just like Keisel’s, began to take shape. And thus, Reframed was born. The Young family were about to get their own set of love stories, and I was about to begin the adventure of a lifetime.

And not alone, as I had once so thought myself to be. No, I was entering a space of authors where I felt so at home. Where I felt I belonged. Where I felt safe.

And of course, I had my Savior and Heavenly Father along for the ride. They had been there the entire time.

In those moments where I thought They had hurt me for the fun of it, I found that instead, They had a purpose in the pain. A purpose I couldn’t have dreamed of. One that would lead me to becoming an independent author, with stories I loved and wanted so desperately to share with others. (Most days. Sharing a piece of you is incredibly scary 😂)

They were with me the whole way. They were in it all. They had a plan in it all. They granted me blessings and hopes and dreams beyond anything I could have ever imagined. It is hard to believe I ever thought They were punishing me, when it is so obvious now how much they were providing me with. I can never repay Them, and I can assure you that little brat who was throwing temper tantrums about still being single for sure did not deserve Their love and grace. But They gave it to me, anyway. Because Their love is never ending, unconditional, and absolutely perfect.

So, honestly? Reframed is a testimony. It’s a testimony of the love of God for each and every one of us. It’s a testimony that Their way is always best. It’s a testimony that They will always provide purpose in the pain.

To get your own copy of Reframed, click here :)