HE’S NOT THE ONE
Can I be real for a moment? Or, I guess and hope that I am always real, but can I give you a little peek behind the curtain?
Writing has been hard, lately. Like, really hard. Sometimes I don't know why I keep doing this. It's not as if anybody is asking for it 😂
A couple of weeks ago, I honestly thought it was time to take the blog down. Things just didn't seem worth it. I felt as if I was writing about the same problems over and over and over again. I was feeling anything but inspired.
As always, I think I was putting too much pressure on myself. Worried that the few that read were getting tired of my many complaints.
However, as much as I care about those who love and support me so, so well, I remembered that the blog is not entirely for them. It's also for me. A way to work through my problems and see the hand of the Lord where He touches my life. I hope it helps others, but one of the main focuses of my writing is to aid me.
When I started looking at the blog that way, as more of a journal to me, I almost physically felt myself sigh. Because that I could do.
I hope this isn't coming off as a pity party. Or a guilt trip. I guess I'm just trying to set the warnung sign up early on.
Caution: Common Topics of Negative (N)ellie include, but are not limited to, Singleness, Adorable Primary Children, Books, Dogs, Struggles of Faith, Tender Mercies, and of course, Negativity.
Those are the things that occur in my life. There isn't much variety, but it's mine, and I'm really grateful for it.
Ok, now onto this week's complaining session 😉
"He's not the one for you."
If you've been here for a hot minute, you know that my relationship with dating is...complicated.
But, I'm also a rule follower. So, after a prayer to find more meaning in my life resulted in the prompting to try online dating, (Don't even start. Just don't.) I signed up. Again. Anything but enthusiastically.
The Lord didn't mention anything about needing a positive attitude.
Agreeing to the Lord's experiment for a month, I put myself out there.
And got totally and utterly creamed. Or, that's what it felt like.
I've already discussed my irritations surrounding the world of online dating, (if you'd like to read about that, click here) so, it was a reaction of complete and total shock when someone actually struck up a conversation after swiping.
Unfortunately, the conversation didn't last very long. Upon discovering that I still lived at home, the person on the other end of the line dipped faster then a bobber tugged down by the fish on a hook.
Which is his peragative. We all have our deal breakers. As someone who views the dislike of dogs as a red flag, I'm not really in a place to judge, now am I?
Plus, I totally get it. Any thought he had about my living situation couldn't have been near as mean as what the voice inside of my head tells me 😂
But still...Ouch. That one stung.
Because, is this how it is going to be with every person I attempt to get to know? Will they all leave the moment I mention my parental roommates?
If so, this experiment is going to go nowhere. Not many answers from the Lord have felt very clear in the last little bit, but I can tell you this, I have not once felt the kick in the pants to move. In fact, a lot of things have pointed me more towards staying, rather than looking for somewhere new.
I feel like I'm needed here. But also, I feel like I need what's here.
So, yeah. I don't see my at-home-status changing anytime soon. Where does that leave me?
With these thoughts stewing and simmering and hurting my feelings a whole heck of a lot, I went to the place I knew would cheer me up: A Primary Activity.
As always, I was right. Playing Laser Tag with a bunch of kids was the high point of my week, and I'm not even ashamed of it. Here are some highlights:
Jokes on jokes on jokes.
Hugs. So many hugs. I am not a hug person, but there is something different about a kid hug.
Grabbed by the hand, I was led through the maze that was laser tag.
Two little girls were excited that I was there. They wanted me on their team.
We all got super cool code names.
One of the little girls from above, while peeking around a corner, waved me forward without even looking back at me. Like we were really on a stealth mission.
Our team actually won a round!
I got life updates, hearing about exciting events in the kid's day to day lives.
Tons of high fives.
Laser guns? I mean, come on.
When questioned by the kids as to why I wasn't dating anyone, (It seriously comes from everywhere.) judgement was not included. The subject was easily dropped and moved on from, something I greatly appreciated.
Artistic creations were drawn before my eyes.
Laughter, some shrieking, and a few too many reminders that quiet was indeed necessary to hear the instructions.
Reports of how many shots hit their intended mark. (My number was incredibly low, in case you were wondering.)
A bond between the three leaders as we showed no mercy to the children darting across our laser-beamed path.
A child banging on the window and shouting my name from outside the complex.
Love. Christlike love, that can only come from a child.
I told you. It was a really fun night.
And I left feeling so much lighter. But also grounded. Because, would I really have wanted to miss any of that? Would I be willing to give up my time with those wonderful kids, just so I wouldn't be judged by potential suitors?
No. I wouldn't. Not in a million years.
This is where I need to be, and I'm so grateful for it. I wouldn't change anything, even if it meant a more swipeable profile online.
From the time I was born, my Grandpa and I have always had a special connection. Even though we are now separated from each other, I still know I am one of his girls, no matter how much time passes before I get to see him again.
And even from the other side of the veil, he still feels the need to give me the advice that comes in the perfect balance of love and tough.
"He is not the one for you."
That is what I heard him saying to me. In a chastising way, perhaps giving his disapproval, but also in a comforting way. He wasn't directing his words to this particular young man, but more in a general tone. He is not the one for me, because the one for me will not have that reaction.
The one for me will understand, or seek to understand. Perhaps he will be proud of me for following the path the Lord has laid out for me, even when it makes me feel uncomfortable and small at times. Maybe he will hear me retell my tales of the Primary Children and completey and utterly get it.
I don't know, these are just suggestions.
I guess I just needed a reminder. That this isn't left up to chance. That there is a plan. That though the evidence that goes against it is pretty heavy, those who love me most are right. The Lord has someone incredibly spectacular picked out for me.
I needed the nudge to recall that the Lord's promises are sure, even when it looks anything but sure.
I thought the words from the previous week's Come Follow Me Study summed it up nicely.
35 Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.
36 For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.
37 For yet a little while, and he that shall come will come, and will not tarry.
Comments