HIS FAITH NEVER WAVERS

I know what you're thinking.

"Does this girl ever stop complaining about her problems?"

A fact confirmed by my family, the answer is a definite no. Sorry, but, as has been pointed out before, a healthy serving of negativity is all we offer here on Confessions of a Negative (N)ellie. I mean, it's in the title. I am nothing if not against false advertising.

So, here we are again, discussing one of my trials. Actually, one we have previously discussed, because why not? Who doesn't like to reopen wounds and watch them fester and rot? No, just me?

This has been a trying year for me, as I'm sure it has been for so, so many. Looking back, I can see how truly blessed I was when others were not so lucky. Unfortunately, with my lackluster abilities to endure hardships, the last twelvish months have still really beaten me down.

A culmination of my sorrows and burdens came to a head when my grandfather passed away.

On the outside, or perhaps not, I did my best to appear brave and strong, living the testimony that I knew to be true. I knew I would see him again, without a shadow of a doubt. I truly felt that was a parting gift he gave to me, a lasting testimony of the truthfulness and promise of the Savior's sacrifice and Atonement. Never again would I question whether any of this was real, or not. I knew it.

That didn't mean things weren't hard, though. That didn't mean I didn't miss him. That didn't mean I didn't sometimes regret the many experiences we missed out on sharing together.

Logically, I knew there was no reason to these feelings. I would see him again. He would be at my eventual wedding, after I finally tricked someone into marrying me. He would be there for all of the moments, big and small, cheering me on, and probably rousing thousands of others to do the same.

However, as I tried to arm myself in the logic and truth that I knew to be real and lasting, I could not hold myself together completely. Fear and doubt and heartache slipped through the cracks, leaving me a somewhat empty shell of the person I used to be.

All of the questions that had been pestering me throughout the entirety of the year finally won out, beating me down until I was sobbing on my knees almost every night.

• Am I enough?

• Am I doing enough?

• Am I making the right decisions?

• Did I make my grandfather proud?

• Am I making my Savior and Heavenly Father proud?

• Am I completely ruining my life?

• What is my purpose?

As much as I would have liked too have seen these questions and doubts vanish overnight, they did not. Prayer, scripture study, priesthood blessings, family, and the all consuming power of the Atonement helped me to limp by, but that's all I was doing. Getting by. Making it through. I was at one of my lowest of lows, and still, I was managing to fail, each and every day.

Or, so I thought.

Several months passed, the pains of grief began to ebb a little, tended to by the Savior's pure love and His shining truths. With Their guidance, and that of my family, I began to emerge, prouder and stronger than I had ever been before.

No longer did I question whether I was doing the right thing. I knew I was. Questions of whether my grandfather, my Savior, or my Heavenly Father were proud of me no longer plagued me. I knew they were. Self doubt and worries of over self worth seemed silly and foolish. Of course I was loved, of course I was a beautiful soul, inside and out. I am a Daughter of a King, someone who Christ sacrificed Himself for. How could I ever doubt my worth?

One night, while on my knees, thanking my Father and Heaven for how greatly He had blessed me, a prompting came to me.

"I knew you could do it."

That thought, it wasn't something I heard. It wasn't something I had prayed for. It was something I felt, in the very depths of my soul.

He knew I could do it.

When all seemed lost, when I was groveling in my pit of despair, He knew I could do it. When the light to guide me out seemed so thin, so far off, He knew I could do it. When I not only doubted myself, but doubted Him, He knew I could do it.

Never once did His faith in me waver, even when it seemed that was all mine was capable of doing. Carrying me through my hardest of trials, doing most of the work, He never doubted we would make it through. He trusted me. He trusted my ability to hang on, to cling to Him with every last fingernail. What I saw as me failing Him, He saw as immense, incredible strength.

He knows my strengths with more depth and clarity then I could ever hope to. He also knows my weakness. And yet, He knew I could do it.

How? Because He suffered through it. He knew, as I continued to turn to Him, there was no mountain we could not move together. He was grateful, elated with even my smallest acts of faith, turning them into powerful tides to change the course of my life. Teaching me to anchor my testimony in the most horrendous of storms.

Though He did near all the work, He took none of the glory for Himself. Rather than saying, "Thanks to me, you made it through that valley.", He tenderly whispered, "I knew you could do it." Feeling His smile shining upon me, proud and reassuring, I caught just a glimpse of how He views me. Of how He loves me, of how He cares for me, of all He had done for me, and all He will do for me.

That trial was one I needed. I needed it to shape me, to give me confidence in myself and Them. In the love They had for me, the love I should have for myself, and the incredible plan we are creating together.

It may not be a plan the world views with awe or wonder, no doubt they will frown upon my choices. However, because of this very trial, I have learned not to care. This is what They want me to do. They love me, They care for me, and more than that, They believe in me. What other reassurance could I possibly need?

So, dear reader, whatever you are struggling through, take heart. He believes in you. You will make it through, you will become stronger, and your sorrows will be used for your good. Don't believe me? That's ok. I get it. I'm not the most reliable of sources.

However, there is one person you can always trust. Him. Believe Him, because I can guarantee He believes in you.