HOW I KNOW HE LOVES ME

Lately, I've been struggling to feel God's love for me.

I know, I know. I said a few months ago that this was the turning point, that things were only going up from here.

Jinxed it.

In reality, it is obvious to me that things have gotten better. However, that doesn't mean there aren't other struggles to be had, or that every day is sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it's just a lot of rain clouds. And we all know that I'm an Eeyore in this situation. I love spotting me a rain cloud.

I guess...I guess this just isn't where I thought my life would be. I always assumed twenty-eight would look a lot different than this, and it's taking me a minute to catch up. To erase the image in my head and be at peace with reality. A reality I truly, truly love, but not what I would have selected.

Which, I guess is a good thing, becasue God has shown me through these "unwanted" things just how amazing He is.

But, I think I'm just getting tired of waiting for my "wanted things". I'm anxious to be through the trial and to the other side.

Which, I know, doesn't make any sense. There are trials in every season of life. But I'm just getting really sick of these ones. And though it is illogical to assume that the reason they are sticking around is because God doesn't love me, here we are.

Or, here we were. Down in the dumps, defeated, wondering where in the world the Lord could be. And then He showed me. He showed me right where He was. He showed me just how much He loved me.

And now I'm going to show you how I know God loves me:

When I literally felt Him giving me power in a challenge I didn't think myself possible of completing. And I actually enjoyed it.

When a season of writer's block passed, making way for the joy of writing again.

When my friend sent me a video of her sweet toddler asking if I could come over to their house. I have played it over and over to hear that sweet little voice say, "A-yeeee". (Translation, Ellie 😁)

When a sweet couple in my church congregation cheered me on and supported me in my writing career. Just two days before, I had been crying to my mother about how much I missed my grandfather. This man's kind words were so much like Grandpa J's, I knew they could have only come from heaven.

When I vulnerably expressed how I was feeling about dating, and my loved ones came out of the woodworks to tell me they were proud of me just the way I was. That support meant everything, you guys.

When I got to hold my friend's new baby. You can't help but feel close to heaven when those sweet, little angels are in your arms.

When I'd put myself mentally through the ringer, berating all the things I'd done wrong and pulling myself apart, the quiet whisper of the Spirit left me in tears. "You have to trust me. You have to trust how I feel about you."

When I went to an Institute Class, having studied the wrong lesson, but the lesson that was taught reminded me just how much I need my Savior.

When I had a really hard day, and the Lord sent a Primary child to climb up in my lap, teach me what they knew about the solar eclipse, and show me all the trash they had in their pocket.

When I read this verse, 2 Nephi 1:15, and I knew He was speaking directly to me.

"15 But behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell; I have beheld his glory, and I am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love."

When Oakley Ann comes to sit beside me, somehow knowing I'm having a bad day and need a little extra love.

When I found a new book series I loved, allowing me to dive out of the world and escape my worries.

When the Primary children sang a song that brought the truths of the Gospel to life, reminding me that I do know that my Savior lives.

When on a phone call with my brother and parents, I felt my soul slip back into alignment. I laughed out loud, I took a breath, and realized the problems I was making up in my head weren't near as big as I thought them to be.

When He taught me that my inside voice is not always the one to listen to. Or the nicest 😂

When my entire pew at church was filled with Primary Children, one in every seat and one on my lap. When they lean their head on my shoulder, when they smile, when they tap my arm and say, "Ellie", or when they write something and ask me to read what is says when they don't even know what it says? You cannot contain the smile on my face.

When you see the answers to your prayers play out before your face.

When the clouds part and it all feels bearable again.

There are countless others that I am forgetting. There are so many moments when I have felt Him personally and specifically testify to me that He is there. That He is aware. That He loves me.

I could never deserve the love He gives me, especially with my horrible attitude as of late, but that's thing about our God. He is always helping us to know how much He loves us.