HOW I’M SUPPOSED TO FEEL

I know how I’m supposed to feel.

I’m supposed to feel devastated. Lost and unsure, my world off kilter now that your weighted presence is no longer there to keep things balanced

I’m supposed to feel unquenchable grief, perhaps even anger, because of the opportunity I was denied. Without the chance to say goodbye, the injustice of it all should keep me up at night.

I’m supposed to feel regret, so much regret, for all of the ill-used and ungrateful times I had at your side. Bitter at myself, for being too busy to print, address, and mail the last of my blogs to my biggest fan.

I’m supposed to have constant tears rolling down my cheeks. At the very least, the sorrow should have overcame me in droves on the day we said goodbye. One would think that the sound of the trumpet weaving with the whirls of the whipping wind, would have helped me to see just how great of a man the world had lost.

I’m supposed to feel guilty when joy fills my heart. Taking your place at the table should feel wrong, the laughter and shouts of victory forced as I participate in the hobby you taught me to love.

I’m supposed to feel as if I can’t go on, to look sorrowfully towards all of the memories you will not be there to share. Perhaps I should even be enraged with myself, for not keeping my life together enough to provide you with some of the wishes you held so close.

There are so many emotions, so many moments when I know my throat should be tight with the sense of all that is missing, and yet...it isn’t.

I don’t feel angry at myself, or even remorseful, at having not provided you with a big wedding or a horde of great-grandchildren. As much as you hounded me for such gifts, I know in my soul you would never have wanted me to step into such commitments until I was absolutely ready, with the perfect man by my side. Additionally, even though I know I may not be able to see you, I know without a doubt that the first row seat will be filled by you. Me finally convincing someone to not only date, but marry me? That is not a sight you would miss for the world.

I am not consumed by shame, as the pointed insults fly, or the shouts and accusations of cheating fill the air. Instead, I feel joy, and perhaps even a little pride, at our ability to act as you would want us to. Wasting this time we have to connect as a family through spirited card games and rounds of laughter, is not something you would have approved of. You would have wanted us to make the most of the few days we had together, rooting our relationships as far as they could go. I swear, I could hear you laughing right along with us that night, and I know I would never have won that many hands without your aid.

My cheeks are not stained with tears, and pictures from the day we said goodbye will not show me with mascara crescents rimming my eyes. In actuality, few tears were shed on my part that day, a feat I am as shocked by as you are. I thought for sure that the emotions that had seemed so distant throughout the week, would finally catch up with me when I was finally forced to face reality. Instead, as I looked upon your face one last time, comfort, unspeakable comfort, was the only feeling I could detect. It did not feel like saying goodbye. No, not at all. If anything, it kind of felt like saying hi, or being wrapped in one of your biggest hugs. Perhaps even a snarky remark was heard, as I thought of how you would speak to me in that moment. Somewhere, deep down inside, had always been the knowledge that goodbye would never be forever. Now those truths were blossoming full, and carrying me through these torrential storms.

I do not regret the blogs I did not share, which is even more shocking, when I fully witnessed the support and love you constantly gave me. Cleaning and organizing the binder you kept with all of my silly musings and countless grammatical errors, I am amazed at the love you had for me, someone so much weaker than you. Even the topics that surely could not have interested you, were read and analyzed with care and love, perhaps even shared with others would had no desire to listen. You truly were my biggest fan, something I did not deserve. It’s incredible to know that throughout my life, I will be able to carry this support with me in all that I do. Also, to know that you can now read all of my blogs at your ease and leisure, gives me peace of mind, and saves me so much money on stamps.

I was indeed denied the chance to say goodbye on your final day here on earth, and yet, I do not feel bitter or upset with the Lord. Instead, I am incredibly grateful, and indebted to Him, for His incredible influence and guidance in my life. Just four days prior, my mother was inspired to encourage me to call your hospital room. Your bright positivity radiated through your voice, even as you suffered through so much pain and agony. Though you had been fighting for so long, you promised me through tiring words that you would continue to do so, and work your hardest to get better. I have no doubt you did just that, and I am so grateful that my last memory of you was as you truly are. Fighting, spirited, kind, brave, and loving. That is the man I will carry in my heart, always.

I do not feel lost, or even afraid, now that my feet have lost one of the anchors that kept them grounded. There is no doubt that the world is different without you in it, but personally, I cannot see those differences. Though your booming voice no longer beckons me to the bedroom, and the kitchen counter is not littered with finished crossword puzzles, to me, it doesn’t feel like you are gone. I can feel you with me, everywhere I go. I can almost hear your raspy laugh, or feel your silly songs following me as I walk through the halls. I know without a doubt I can feel your strength carrying me onward, seeing as that is clearly not something I would have been able to develop on my own. My world, shockingly, feels more grounded at this point. More deeply rooted, and the picture of what it to come clearer, because of your bright light guiding us towards truth.

All of my comfort, all of my peace, all of my happiness, and all of the “supposed to” feelings I am missing, are tied to one incredible truth:

You are not gone.

You are not gone. You live, perhaps even more now, without the earthly pains tying you down. Goodbye did not feel like goodbye, because it wasn’t goodbye. It wasn’t really even a see you later, because I can see your influence almost daily. This is a fact I should have been prepared for, seeing as now you can have more sway on my life than ever before.

You may not be here with us, but you are exactly where you need to be. Though your life was not perfect, it was a perfect example to all of the power of repentance. Your battles, your complete change in demeanor, and your deep love of the Gospel, have shown me just how true it is. We can trust its doctrine and principles, and also the amazing promised blessings. Through His love, we truly can become the best versions of ourselves. I’ve seen evidence of such truth in you, and it makes me want to follow right in your footsteps.

Rather than feeling confused, wondering where you are, or perhaps even if I will ever see you again, I instead feel unspeakable peace. Without a doubt, I know exactly where you are. You are here with me, and, you are there with Them. Through Their unchangeable love and constant dedication, They have led you straight back home.

My world did not grow more blurry when you left it so abruptly. No, instead the edges became sharper, the lines more clearly drawn, because now I know. Losing you made it all so clear. This is not the end, and it is not the beginning. It is a continuation of our relationship, another step taken by Grandpa and his girl.

Thank you, for this incredible parting gift. A deeper testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is the best thing you could have left me with, and something I promise to build upon through the rest of my life. Thank you for the countless life lessons, the example of how the Gospel can change us, hours of laughter, bone-crushing hugs, unending support, and a contagious smile. I was so lucky to call you mine.

Lastly, I thank you for this knowledge. The knowledge that although it may seem odd to the world, this, is exactly how I‘m supposed to feel.

Mosiah 16:9

”He is the light and the life of the world; yea, a life that is endless, that can never be darkened; yea, and also a life that is endless, that there can be no more death.”