I AM ENOUGH

“Wow. Ok. Ghosted, again.”

Some may recall that last year, I made a declaration halfway through 2024. After a long bout of attempting to meet someone via online dating, and finding that it did indeed chip a little of my soul away with each day that passed, I decided to call it quits. Prompted from above, I gave myself a break. Until 2025 rolled around, I was not going to focus any of my attention on dating. Rather, I would allow myself to just be.

One of the best decisions I was ever guided to make. I can’t believe how much I learned in that short span of time, how much I grew, and how much better I came to know my Savior and Heavenly Father. That is precious time I would never give back, precious time I needed.

And, if we are being honest, it went way too fast 😂 But, I try my best to be a woman of my word. So, when January hit, and I felt the stirrings to dip my toe back into the online dating pool, I put on my bravest face and did it.

And hated almost every second of it. I don’t know if there is a less efficient way to meet people on this planet. It is one of the worst processes I have ever been through, and honestly? I do not think I have it in me to try it again. I truly think I am done this time. It’s either meet someone the old fashioned way, or spinsterhood for me. I’ll let you take a guess at which way I am leaning 😉

Now, before I go full on soapbox over here, I strongly feel the need to point out that I think online dating, and dating in general, is horrible for all involved. I don’t want this to come across as a bashing session for the men of the world. I actually met some kind, wonderful men on the app, though with each we agreed that pursuing soemthing further was not in the cards for us. Just like in any interaction with other humans, there will be good apples and bad apples, of both sexes. This is not a man vs. woman thing, this is a modern dating just really sucks thing.

Ok, now that we’ve got that out of the way, prepare yourselves for a rant 😂

I went into this session of online dating with completely different eyes than I had a year before. Six months previous, I was desperate to find someone. Was it because my younger brother was about to get married? Was it because thirty seemed to be drawing ever nearer? Was it because I was walking through some difficult trials, ones in which it would have been nice to see someone’s footsteps beside mine?

Yes. Yes to all of the above. It is becoming clear why online dating nearly destroyed me last time, right? I put wayyyyy too much pressure on it.

This time, with a much more healthy viewpoint, I went into online dating with the correct goals. To meet many people. To slowly sink into the waters of dating. To interact with men of different personalities, backgrounds, interests, and see which fit best with my own. I did not expect to find someone, and that was ok. I was trying. I was acting in faith. And, regarding myself, was being incredibly brave.

And I was proud of myself. For the first week or so, things were smooth sailing. Unfortunately, choppy waves were building in the background. I made it two months before they completely overtook me.

You know what is a great killer for one’s self esteem? Online dating. Let me give you some quick stats to bring you up to speed.

Out of every person I talked to, each and every one ghosted me. I have an one hundred success rate for the phrase, “Peace out, Girl Scout.”

Out of the profiles I took the initiative to swipe up on first, not one saw a similar interest. Again, this was a clean sweep.

Despite the fact that I could now proudly proclaim I was an author, with a publishing date and everything, very few seemed interested in this aspect of my life. I’d thought the words, “Aspiring Author”, in my profile were ones that were holding me back, but I was wrong. Taking out that adjective didn’t make a lick of difference 😂

Can you see? Can you see why these type of interactions would drive a person to the brink of insanity? First, because you can’t believe that grown adults, such as yourself, are completely incapable of holding a conversation. But then? After the seventh ghosting? One starts to wonder if they are the problem.

Maybe I’m not in shape enough? I mean, I work out, and try to eat well, but I’m not made of muscle. Do you have to have a six pack in order to find someone?

Maybe I should die my hair? I like the color, but is it to blah? Would highlights make me stand out more?

Maybe I should wear more makeup. I kind of hate it, and the thought of putting glue on my lashes every day seems like a task not for the faint of heart, but would it make me more attractive?

Maybe I’m too much? Is my personality annoying? Do I say too much of what I think? At almost thirty, I’m tired of playing games, but maybe I need to study the rule book a little bit more?

Maybe I’m not enough? I get it, my hobbies are kind of boring. I’d like to think I can try new things, though. And, isn’t it those differences that make the world go around?

Maybe I need to change my goals? But, isn’t it ok that traveling around the world isn’t soemthing I particularly enjoy? I respect those who wish to do so, but doesn’t my dream of settling down and living in a community I adore count for soemthing, too? Do I have to learn to love #vanlife?

Maybe I didn’t answer the questions right? Should I change them? Should I pick different prompts all together? Did I sound too uptight? Too weird?

These, these are the thoughts that have been circling in my head for at least the last month. What about me do I need to change? Who do I need to become, in order to secure an eternal companion? Clearly, the person I am is not a person the male species is interested in, so what alterations should I make to ensure that I will not end up alone?

All at once, I started to feel like I was really and truly not enough. That I would never be enough. That nothing about me, whether it be physical attractiveness or sense of humor, was appealing. I had no hope that I would ever be able to find someone. Clearly, I was the problem.

Despite this newfound revelation, I did not think I could proceed down the new course of action it presented to me. It didn’t seem wise to make these drastic changes that I knew I wouldn’t actually be able to stick to. I’m not an outdoorsy person, I’m just not. Outsidey? Maybe. I don’t mind being outside, but camping without a bathroom? Hard pass.

And yes, I believe that our partners in life are placed there to help us change, to help us become better and stronger. But, altering everything about myself in order to find someone? That didn’t seem right.

So, I quit. I did not renew my subscription to the dating app, and moved on with my life.

And it feels so, so good. It still hurts. Because of course I would like to find someone who loves me, have a family of my own, and not live in a van 😂

But when these thoughts started entering my head, I knew it was time to stop. That this wasn’t healthy. That I wasn’t gaining anything by trying to be brave and trying to show the Lord I was acting in faith. I was only hurting myself.

Because, I am enough. I am. That doesn’t mean I don’t have areas that need growth and change, because of course I do. I lose my temper, I’m bad at asking for help, I hold myself to unrealistic standards. Trust me, I am well aware of all of my flaws.

But these things mentioned above? The little idiosyncrasies and interests and traits and values that make up who I am? I don’t think I need to change those. In fact, I know I don’t, because my Savior tells me so.

In each word He spoke, in each drop of blood He shed, in each moment He suffered on the cross, He proved again and again that He thinks I am enough. That I am worth saving. That I am loved and adored.

Not because I am perfect. Not because He plans to leave me where I am. Not because my hair is the perfect shade, I have the most fun and exciting hobbies, or because I can benchpress my own weight. Again, I hope it is clear that there is nothing wrong with having any of these attributes, either. The world is so much better because of the uniqueness of us all. But, it’s ok that I am not that way, and that is the lesson I believe the Savior wanted to teach me in this.

That I am enough.

So, to all in the same boat as me, wondering if there is any possible way that someone will like you for you, I have faith that the answer is yes. Someday, it will all work out.

However, what I do know, is this: You are enough. Whatever patchwork of sense of humor, hobbies, and goals makes you up? It’s enough. He designed you. He made you. He loves you. He wants to help you become the best version of you, not someone else. You.

You are enough, don’t let modern dating convince you otherwise.