I DON’T CARE

This is probably my favorite picture of Lulu. It just really captures who she is. It puts her motto for life on full display.

And what motto is that, you might ask?

"I don't care."

I don't care that you are calling my name, I have no desire to come inside. Therefore, I will ignore you.

I don't care that you are currently in the middle of doing the dishes, if you do not come and let me out this instant, I will pee on your bedroom floor in retaliation.

I do not care that you accidentally nudged me while climbing into your bed, I take it as a personal attack. And the only proper reaction to such a heinous act of violence is to growl.

See? Does. Not. Care.

However, I wasn't aware that while striking this pose a few months back, she was trying to teach me a lesson.

Ok, total transparency here, she was for sure not trying to teach me a lesson. Because, as you'll recall, she does not care. However, to tie the typed strings of my blog together, let's just pretend that for once Lulu was attempting to use her intelligence for good and not evil.

Or, we could look at the facts, and shift the focus to my mother, who was actually trying to bestow her all-knowing wisdom upon me.

"I just don't thing I can keep doing this." I cried. Yes, truly cried. Oakley was laying on my chest and everything, attempting to fix all my problems with a hug and a cuddle. It almost worked.

"Who says you have to?" My mom inquired from her place beside me sprawled across my bed.

Uh, everybody. That was an inside thought, in case you were wondering. Not an outside one.

"I just worry people are going to think I'm not acting in faith if I stop." I explained without the sass.

My mom's next statement was also issued without a kick of sass. Instead, care and concern for her daughter were the emotions underlying the expressed thought.

(Side note, the other day we were debating who needed the other more. Or better yet, who Heavenly Father knew would need the other more. Can you believe that bologna? Clearly, Hot Mess Express Ellie is the only answer to that question 😂)

Looking at me with the pure love of a mother, my mom shrugged and proposed, "Why do you care?"

I didn't have a good answer to that question. Which allowed my mom to respond, "Sweetie, you've got to stop caring about what other people think."

See how Lulu ties in? She is my spirit animal in many, many ways, but not this one. In this one area of life, I could stand to be a little more like her.

I really do need to stop caring about what other people think. And not in a cranky, "I do what I want and people just have to deal", kind of way. But in a way where I recognize that others are entitled to their opinions, but I don't have to take them. Or let them affect my life.

Like many people, I have spent so much time obsessing over the cares and thoughts of others.

Does this person like me? Do they approve of my outfit? Do they think I'm making the right decision by going all in on my writing? Will a guy be irritated by this hobby I enjoy? Do I need to dye my hair, workout more, wear more makeup, etc., etc., etc., to fit in and make me more attractive to the opposite sex? Do people think I'm funny? Do they think I've ruined my life? Do they think it's sad I still live at home? Do they think I've wasted all this time since I've graduated high school?

Did you enjoy that peek inside my brain?

I've even been worried about penning this post. Will people think I'm too whiny? Will they be irritated? Am I becoming too obsessed with myself in every word I put down? Will someone even want to date a "blogger"? Or, will they feel that is too much of a violation of their privacy? Should I stop?

Ok. I need to stop that train in its tracks, or it could go on for days. And in the end, my mother's words of counsel echo back with resounding truth. (Shocker, I know.)

I really need to stop caring so much about what others think. Instead, I need to trust in the only opinion that matters: The Lord's. And, newsflash, Negative (N)ellie, He thinks you are pretty great. Just as you are. Not that you don't have room for improvement, because duh, but the core of who you are? The Child of God He created? The quirky, fun in her own stick-in-the-mud way, awesome human being? Yeah, turns out, He's a big fan.

And, He wants me to be a big fan, too. And to be confident in what He says about me. That me, homebody, book worm and all, are enough.

So, despite how completely and utterly terrifying this is, I am going to list some things about myself that I have sometimes been embarrassed by. Have worried others have not enjoyed about myself. Have possibly hidden or held back to make me more palatable to others.

Or, so I didn't have to hear their thoughts on the matter, as much as a right to them as they might have.

It goes both ways. My viewpoint matters, too. And the viewpoint I'm currently trying to force upon myself: I'm pretty great.

Ok. Here we go.

I hate outdoors. I'm sorry, I do. I'm not a fan. I'm never going to be an adventurer. Camping sounds like just about the worst form of torture. The sun basically hates me, and sunscreen and sweat mixed together? No thank you. Indoorsy, through and through.

Sometimes, I am really, really fond of the idea of marriage. Sometimes, it's a risk with the least likely of good odds. My thoughts on this one waffle. I'm a walking contradiction.

Humor is my defense mechanism. Because, I'd rather make people laugh then face my pain head on in front of someone. I am a big 'ol fan of self-deprecation, which I know is not everyone's cup of tea. Trust me, I've seen the jokes not land 😂 But, I like it. We all have to deal with the hurt in our own, special ways. Mine's a little dark 🤷‍♀️ See gif shown above.

Romance books are my fave, even if I'm not always sure it's something I would want in real life. If the book doesn't have romance, I'm not reading it.

I feel like I contribute living at home. I'm confident I am as much of a service to my parents as they are to me. I am beyond grateful for them and the home they have offered me, but I believe I pull my fair weight, and I believe they do to. At least, I think they do 😂

And finally, coming to the point I was crying to my mother over: I'm done with dating this year.

Ok, maybe that's a stretch. I've read and watched all the rom coms. I know what happens when the female lead puts a ban on dating. She meets the love of her life. And that is not what I am looking for right now 😂

Let me rephrase that, I'm done with pursuing dating this year. Yup, believe it or not, what you've witnessed has been me putting in effort.

Let me explain, and then you can form your own conclusions. And I will stick to mine 😉

For the past twelve years, a thought that has crossed my mind often has been, "This could be the year. This could be the year I find him."

Newsflash, incoming headline, in case you missed it, that hasn't happened yet. Which is fine. It's all in the Lord's timing. But that mindset? It's exhausting. Feeling you always have to be on, always have to be prepared, that love could be around every corner, that every interaction could be leading towards happily ever after? Th overthinking, the stewing, the online dating? It's seriously become soul-sucking you guys. It is legitimately eating away at my soul.

And, believe it or not, I'm kind of in favor of my soul sticking around 😂 So, I'm done for the year.

I'm no longer online dating. I'm no longer going to calculate every move I make. I'm no longer going to let this be the focus of my life, the stress that keeps me up at night, or the hurt that strikes me at random points in the week. I'm really, really tired of carrying this pressure, and I don't think Heavenly Father expects me to keep hauling it around with me. I think He wants me to lay it at His feet.

Now, this is the part where the fear comes in. The fear that others will think I am not putting in enough effort. That I'm not acting out in faith. That I'm getting older, and the clock is ticking, and I've got to put myself out there in order to find someone.

Believe it or not, I am aware of all of those facts. And they are that: Facts.

But, to me, this is showing faith in the Lord. This is trusting Him. It's trusting our relationship enough to know that if I take a step back for a minute, He'll let me know when I need to make the move back in. It's faith in the love He has for me, and that He truly sees how hard this is for me. Faith that He has joy and wonder in the life I have now, and He wants me to enjoy it, rather than wish it away.

I trust Him with this, the biggest decision of my life, completely.

Which, is why I am allowing myself a breath. The rest of the year not to worry. A few moments to just be. Because I know Him.

So, I'm done. And that feels incredibly freeing. This whole blog post has felt so, really. I see why Lulu has adopted this attitude. But this last bit? I can feel the weight literally lifted off of my heart.

Now, I know that my assumption that people will not be in favor of my decision is just that, an assumption. I'm most likely projecting thoughts and opinions from the worries residing in my mind. Please, don't think I'm trying to pigeonhole you or put words in your mouth.

And, if you do feel that way, I totally get it. It does seem counterintuitive 😂 And I promise, the questions and the concerns are not taken with offense. I know they come from love, and I am in awe of how cared for I am. Truly. Feel free to inquire about my love life. I may refer you to this post, or politely inform you I am taking a time out. And you are more than welcome to form your own thoughts and feelings about that.

But from the place of utmost love, I don't care 😉