I DON’T KNOW

The temper tantrum recorded below no longer describes my feelings or fears.

At least not completely.

Again, it has become easier to see Their hands in my life. Again, I trust that They do know what is best for me. Again, I recognize that They love me. Again, I am confident that things will work out just as they should.

Despite the fact that none of the problems below have been remedied, and may never be, or at least not any time soon, I have regained my faith in Them.

However, that doesn’t mean the pity party didn’t occur. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t screaming at God, lost and confused, and it certainly mean it won’t happen again.

Which is exactly why I have chosen to share the most humiliating blog I’ve ever written.

Hard times come, and they come in forcefully. They push us to our limits, isolate us, and sometimes make us doubt all we hold so dear.

In contrast, they also prove just how real God is. Just how loyal He is. Just how unwavering He is, when we are anything but.

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I don’t know how to start this blog. I don’t know that I want to start this blog, or ever have it see the light of day. I don’t know that this will bring myself, or anyone else, any help. I don’t know what to do.

Lately, my life has felt like an endless string of no’s. Almost as if someone on the other line of my prayers is sending me straight to voicemail, where the standard message recorded states, “Not going to happen.”

No, no one will want to publish your book.

No, one of the countless articles you have submitted will not be selected.

No, the successes you see others enjoying will not come to you in the same time frame.

Personally, I’d refrain from wasting your breath with loving words of wisdom. My poor mother has repeated similar sentiments over and over again, because they refuse to stick in my brain.

You just have to keep trying.

It will all work out.

These hard times are making way for the best times.

Ok. Sure. Let’s go out on a limb and say that any of these fortune cookie suggestions hold some truth.

What do you do when it doesn’t feel that way?

What do you do when Heaven seems silent?

What do you do when the paths you feel the Lord is guiding you down only end in heartache and sorrow?

What do you do when you’re tired of waiting for “your time” to come?

What do you do when you are angry at the Lord? When the last thing you want to do is hit your knees and pray?

What do you do when no matter how many times you beg for a “yes”, you always get a “no”?

I don’t know.

I don’t know guys. The typical Negative (N)ellie format is not going to work here. The dramatically told problem does not lead one to the discovered solution this time around. There is no ending point, no inspirational message, no resolution, and no cute tie in of the title at the end.

I don’t know what to do with all of this hurt. I don’t know what to do with all of this anger. With these feelings of betrayal, abandonment, frustration and deep-rooted anguish. I’ve done my best to wish them away, to pray them away, and to distract them away, but they seem to have hitched a permanent ride to my current train wreck.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how this is going to end. I don’t know why I was forced through these trials that seem so senseless and without meeting.

Things are hard right now. Some of the hardest they’ve ever been, if we’re being honest. The truths I’ve told myself so often, the ones that assure me that He is there and that I can trust Him, do not carry as much weight as they used to.

I have no doubt in my mind they are true, but right now, it doesn’t really feel that way.

I’m doing my best, knowing and hoping that such is truly all They ask for, and choosing to stay. Actively choosing to stay, every day, in a way I’ve never had too before. When I’d rather do anything else. When I have no belief that any of this is going to work out.

Begrudgingly, deserving no praise or accommodation, I force another icy prayer through my teeth. Because somewhere, buried way down deep under righteous fury and some passive aggressive remarks, I know that I do know.