I WROTE A BOOK

I’ve written and rewritten the start to this blog multiple times in my head. Sometimes the outlook had a spark of positivity, most often it had that tinge of negativity we all know and love. My hope now is that the words I type accurately what I now feel.

Peace.

Somehow, no. You know what? Not somehow. Through the love and consistency and constant power of my Savior and Heavenly Father, I feel peace. Peace, that’s it all going to work out. Peace that this is not the end of my journey. Peace that this is a necessary step on Their plan for me.

So, please note that though the emotions and descriptions below were written by a girl eight months ago, they all still ring true. Despite the seemingly unwanted outcome, I know this is what I am supposed to do.

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I wrote a book.

Never, in my wildest of wildest dreams, did I ever think I would type those words. And yet, here they are, the truest of true.

I wrote a book.

Is it published? No, not yet. Perhaps not ever. Who knows what this big, wide world has in store for me?

That doesn't matter though.

Ok, so maybe it matters a little, but I don't want it to. Right now, in this moment where the possibilities are endless and my hopes are just within a finger's reach, I want to put in concrete how this feels. I want to always remember this sense of accomplishment, the pride that blossoms out of my chest when I remember:

Holy Toledo! I wrote a book.

This place, this place right here, where I have never felt more at peace or right with God? Was a long time coming. Both on His end and mine. So many times I cried and begged until I was sure my voice was gone, for purpose, for direction, for some kind of passion to pursue.

And, He didn't give it to me. At least, not right away.

He had me work for it, He had me work hard for it. I shuffled through several different experiences of schooling and working and stressing, settling on something I thought would be right, only to have complete unease as the moment to step foot on that path drew closer.

Not with this, though. With this, I have never felt more at home, more content, more that my will is aligned with His. After years of worrying what others thought of my choices, what judgements were being made by my odd predicament, it is so freeing to say that I could not care less. In all honesty, most people probably did not care enough about my little old life, anyway. But, if they did take time out of their own busy schedules to wonder at my decisions, or lack thereof, they wouldn't be alone. I did, too.

But now I don't. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, this is the place where I need to be. Single, living at home, and writing a book. A flippin' book, y'all. I did that. We did that, because trust me, my Savior and Heavenly Father were along for the entirety of the year-and-a-half ride.

When I worried if I could do this, or even if I should do this, They were there to buoy me up in the kind words of another, or just a wave of tranquility. When I was forced to rewrite and edit over and over and over again, They reminded me that these were valuable lessons necessary to this experience. When I got scared, They gave me the courage to keep fighting for what I loved.

Because, you guys, I love writing. I really, really love it. It is so hard for me to imagine two years ago, when I didn't have it on the daily. They led me to that. They led me to this knowledge. They led me to this dream.

As always and forever, They knew me better than I knew myself, and I am so grateful for it. They put me through the ringer, so I would know, so I would know the difference between what I loved and what I didn't, what made me happy, and what didn't, what was a part of Their plan, and what wasn't.

Shuffling through my deck of choices made myself and others around me cringe, but I am so thankful for the times I was forced to say, "Nope. I've changed my mind again." Those seconds of discomfort gave me courage, they gave me strength to brush off the perceived doubts of others and stand fast in what I know to be true.

This is Their plan for me. Whatever comes of it, whether it's published or not, whether anyone buys it or not, this is right where I'm meant to be. And, gosh, is it a place I love.

I wrote a book!

Now, that you've endure "Ellie's In-Depth Horn Tooting", let me reward your efforts.

Hold on. Guys, just hold on.

Do not give up on Them. Do no lose faith in Their immeasurable love, care, and dedication for you. They know what is next, They know what you need, and They know what you want. Sometimes, those visions do not seem to add up to our own, but we truly wouldn't want them to.

If you would have told that little college girl suffering through what she thought would be the worst hardship of her life, that not only would she come to adore that hardship, but that it would inspire an entire book? She would have laughed in your face.

That girl had to endure the trial by fire, the stretches of her faith, to be here, in this beautiful, incredible moment. The one she would not have appreciated, or possibly even pursued, if it had not been for the times when life felt so, so wrong. They weren't wrongs, and they weren't detours. They were vital stepping stones to bring me to the happiest, most confident place I have ever been.

I wrote a book.

And, nothing might come of that. It may forever sit on my shelf, the only readers besides myself being trusted friends and family members. And, that would be devastating, and hard, just, so, so hard. But, I also have no doubt it would be what is best for me. Just another step towards indescribable happiness.

Hold on. Your "book" is coming.