NEVER ALONE

Ugggghhh. I don’t even know where to begin. Eyes filled with tears, snot dotting my t-shirt, and a cuddly Mastiff as an armrest, I’m forcing myself to type this out. Forcing myself to confront my feelings and my weaknesses, in hope that it will illuminate the light at the end of the tunnel.

The past month of my life has felt like an endless storm of trials and tears. (ok, so I might be laying the drama on a liiiitttttlllleee thick. Truthfully, I’m not even sure what‘s wrong, I just know that I don’t like it. I don’t enjoy the heartbreak, I don’t enjoy seeing the glaring weaknesses in myself, and I certainly don’t enjoy feeling alone.

Despite desperate pleas, fasting, and pushing myself to keep working through the hard, it sometimes feels as if there is no relief. No aid being sent my way, no arms to swoop me out of the trial, not even a listening ear. My prayers feel unanswered. Suddenly, it seems as if my loving Heavenly Father has stepped out of the room, all too happy to watch me flounder and thrash as I grasp for a lifeline to pull me out of my sorrows.

Why? Why would this trial come now?

Why did it come, at all?

Why won’t you take it from me?

Why can’t I change?

What am I supposed to learn from this?

Why does it seem as if the entire world is conspiring against me? Why did you leave me?

Eight out of those nine questions are left unanswered, adding to my stress, hopelessness, and heartache. Fortunately, the most important one is always answered, helping to alleviate the pain that comes with every thump of my heart.

“I will never leave you.”

The answer to my question did not come in a resounding, angel surrounded vision from above. Instead, it came in everyday moments, that uplifted me, little by little, and reminded me that Christ is always there.

He was in the break room, when my bosses and I laughed so hard we cried.

He was there, in the loving arms of my mother, who knew even a curmudgeon like me needs a hug every now and then.

He was there, when I discovered more dear friends within the pages of a book.

He was beside me, when I was on my knees begging for relief, His love suddenly encompassing me, and taking the wind out of my pity sails. He was there, sending me silent strength when I needed it most.

He was there, when my brother encouraged me to do something courageous.

He was there, in the out of the blue text messages from friends.

He was there, in the demanding mind of Hershey Sue, as she forced me to pet her, allowing me to wet her fur with my tears. He was there, when my dad was so proud of the cinnamon rolls I had made, he had to capture the moment with a photograph.

He was there, in the kind comments of a stranger, who taught me my words have worth. He was there, picking me up and giving me the motivation to keep going.

He was there, in the small glimpses of the person I could become through overcoming these trials.

When I started writing this morning, I begrudgingly guessed that I would be able to come up with four instances in which I had recently seen Christ. I’ve never been happier to be so wrong.

See, Christ was always there, in every little moment and detail. Did He answer my questions in the ways I wished? Uhh, no. If that were the case, I‘d be free of this trial, armed with the knowledge of what the correct next step is (or next few steps, if He was feeling extra lenient). My tear spotted face is a dead giveaway that sought after answers have not yet made an appearacne. However, the most important answer came just when I needed it, and that changes everything.

He is always there. He is ALWAYS there. Although I may feel abandoned, all I have to do is look around me, and I can see His hand in it all. That, gives me the hope and desire to carry on.

Knowing He is there, reminds me that there is purpose to my pain. He is there, carrying me through my trials, for a reason. He can see the outcome, and He knows it is worth it. That doesn’t mean He kicks back, leaving me alone to suffer, because He knows it is for my benefit. No, that is not how My Savior works. He is in the trenches with me, sobbing when I sob, aching when I ache, and encouraging me when I need it. Through it all, He sends constant reminders of His love, His aid, and His incredible ability to plan perfect moments of peace.

My trial may be far from over, which stinks, let’s just call it like it is, but that doesn’t mean my whole life stinks. That doesn’t mean the rest of my life will be filled with this sorrow and anxiousness. It certainly doesn’t mean that I won’t be grateful for this time, because I’d be willing to bet the farm that I will be. It doesn’t mean He hates me, it doesn’t mean He is punishing me, and it doesn’t mean He has abandoned me. If anything, I think it means He is with me even more, giving me His arm to lean on, as He helps me towards my perfect happiness.

So, we trudge on, gritting our teeth, trusting in Him, and looking for the hope. ‘Cause guess what? He is always there. We are never alone. That will change everything, if we let it.

1 Nephi 11:17

“And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.”

#HearHim