PEACE. BE STILL.

“Ughh, not again.” I whispered into the moonbeam streaked room.

Angrily throwing the covers back, the scowl on my face aimed to become a permanent feature, as I stumbled in the dark towards the bathroom. Again.

Sightlessly feeling along the wall, fingers tripping over themselves in a desperate search for the light switch, I thoughtfully challenged the logic behind drinking a healthy amount of water each day. Ignoring the chills the cold, stained cement sent up through my body, starting at my toes and working their way all the way up into my spine, I paused in front of the toothpaste splattered mirror. A newfound masochism overcame me, as I took in my angry, sleep-deprived appearance.

Distracted by the tattered, messy waves that framed my face, and the clear retainer that was revealed in a lip-stretching yawn, a single phrase cut through the fog of irritation that had encapsulated my every thought.

“Peace. Be Still.”

Brows raised in surprise and awe, a small smile miraculously overcame the angry line my mouth had settled into. My body, it seemed, was silently taking the command to heart, letting the comforting, heaven sent words overtake me.

For months, I have cried and screamed and bargained and pleaded with Heavenly Father, fruitlessly seeking answers, and growing more and more weary with every passing minute. How many times have I begged:

“Please, show me what to do.”

“Please, take this from me.”

“Please, show me why this is necessary.”

Despite my heart wrenching, soul-aching wails, the longed for answer did not appear. Strength came, comfort came, even hope came, but no miraculous cure for what ailed me. A guidebook never appeared on my pillow, highlighting the quickest route to free me of the pain and heartache that seemed overwhelming at times.

The problem never went away, instead it only seemed to get worse, each failure more awful than the last. Instead, it began chipping away at my self-confidence and my testimony, leaving me wondering what I possibly could have done to bring this on.

Had I angered the Lord?

Was this a punishment for something?

If it is a punishment, why wouldn't He alert me to the mistake I had committed, so I could repent and move on?

Was I annoying Him with my fixation on this problem that I could not seem to shake?

What was I supposed to learn from this?

For months, the silence was deafening, my prayers seeming unheard, unanswered, and unwanted.

I never doubted He was there. Through the kind actions of those around me, and moments of strength, He proved His faithfulness to me, even when I was less than. However, it seemed as if He was blatantly ignoring this specific problem, leaving me alone to grapple and struggle with a solution all on my own.

Then, out of nowhere, sneering at my reflection in the early morning light, He spoke the words I so desperately needed to hear.

“Peace. Be Still.”

Throughout the week, those three simple words consistently bounced against the inside of my skull, leaving me at peace, but also questioning.

What does that mean for what I am going through?

A few days later, laying in bed, silently pleading with the Lord to illuminate my path, begging for His aid to overcome this trial that was so set upon defeating me, it came. In the quiet moments, when I chose to be still, my brutally fought for, red-facingly screamed for, flirted with dehydration for answer came.

You know what was really irritating? The answer had been there all along. FOR MONTHS the Lord had quietly whispered to my heart, the solution to the deepest burdens of my soul, and I had ignored Him. I refused to accept His peace, and be still, choosing instead to search for my own, more complex answers. The answer seemed too simple. My incredible hardship could never so easily be defeated by something so easy.

How frustrated I am with myself, for not listening to the still, small voice that has been guiding me since September. Yet, I also cannot stand more in awe of the Lord and His impeccable timing.

He knows me, personally. He knows my loud sense of humor, my deep devotion to fictional characters, and apparently my stubbornness. How desperately He wanted to take the burden away from me, showing me again and again the solution to my problems. No matter how much it pained Him to see me struggle and whine, and doubt HIs love for me, He allowed it, knowing that this was how it had to be.

Foolishly, I had to come to this solution on my own, stumbling through every other possible choice, until it was all that was left. Although I knew the answer from the beginning, the heartache and the trials and the sorrow have shown me just how perfect this answer is for me, and me alone.

So, to you, the person who feels alone, abandoned, forgotten, or unheard:

Do not believe it! Do not give up hope!

The answer you are seeking will assuredly come. And not just come, but come in the perfect time and in the perfect way that our Father in Heaven has handcrafted for you. He knows you. He loves you. He knows the silent pleadings of your heart, and although it may seem as if He has left you to stumble through the trenches by yourself, He has not. We cannot begin to imagine the amount of work and effort and orchestration He is overseeing in the wings, preparing a perfectly timed answer to save us in our moment of deepest despair.

Actively look for the comfort and strength He sends in our trudge up the hill. And please, learn from my mistakes, so you can make your triumphant trip to the top that much quicker. Peace. Be still.