REDO TESTIMONY

Even though this introduction is completely out of place, ruining the flow of the post and driving my perfectionist mind insane, I could not have allowed this to air without including it. It would not have been complete without the incredible story behind one of the scariest blogs I have ever written.

This blog came about after a ten-minute session of sobbing on my knees, begging the Lord for His forgiveness, pleading for His mercy, and crying to feel the love He feels for me. Immediately after, the words to my tender testimony appeared on the page. Never have I felt so nervous to post something, and never have I felt the weight of each word included, or phrase left out, so strongly. However, never have I felt the Lord's intimate guidance through my fingers so powerfully, either.

Though this is never a topic I would have chosen to pursue myself, I am so grateful for the Lord's guidance and promptings to do what scares me. This post needs to be out there. I'm not quite sure who needs these messages, myself or my loving readers, but someone needs to be reminded of their Savior's love for them. Someone needs to know that His love is real, and created for each and every one of us.

I am so humbled that the Lord would trust me with such a task. My only hope is that I was able to perfectly articulate how much He means to me.

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The first Sunday of every month has come to be one of my favorites days. As a child, and let’s be honest, even as a young adult, Fast and Testimony meeting proved to be a little difficult.

However, as I have grown and matured over the past twenty-five years, I have come to realize what a blessing this special service is. Drawing closer to the Spirit by going without, even just for several hours, creates an atmosphere where the words of others truly pierce my soul. I will never be able to thank my church family members, who unbeknownst to them, gave me strength and encouragement when I needed it most.

On rare occasions, perhaps once every quarter, that horrible thought enters my mind.

“You should get up and bear your testimony.”

The Lord, knowing me as He does, properly prepares me for this moment of doom and embarrassment. Long before my feet cross the threshold of the chapel, I know in my churning gut whether or not the congregation will be “blessed” by my words that morning.

This past Fast and Testimony meeting, just a few short weeks ago, the knot in my stomach and the sweat on my palms told me that sooner or later, my feet would carry me up to that pulpit.

Shockingly, this was a rare occasion where I wanted to share my testimony. In the midst of the tumultuous weeks that had preceded that chilly Sunday, I had seen the Lord’s hands more times then I could count. I had literally felt Him carrying me through the challenges that attacked me around every corner. Never would I have been able to make it through without Him, and I wanted others to know it. I needed them, and Him, to know how grateful I was for the gifts He had sent me. I could not allow Him to think that they had not gone unnoticed, He deserved all of the gratitude my weeping heart had to offer.

So, with my oxfords clicking and a silent plea of thanks that I had washed my hair that day, I found myself charging up the stand. With the words I had prepared running circles in my head, I felt confident that I would hit all the key points, showing appropriate appreciation for the Lord I loved so dearly. Turning to face the crowd, and peeling my mask from off my face, I took a breath to begin my declaration.

And, would you believe it or not, things did not go nearly as well as they had sounded in my head. My words, so carefully scripted, came out garbled and fumbled, and I am almost positive I said “I” when I should have said “me”. Unnecessary hand gestures were involved, and I know that the word “peace“ was used far too many times. (hello, ever heard of a synonym, Ellie? Why not try using tranquil or calm?)

Red faced, out of breath, and slightly embarrassed, I made my way back to my seat, just grateful to have the whole ordeal over with. It was as if the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders. Perhaps my fellow church goers had not understood a word I said, but my Heavenly Father and my Savior had, and that was enough.

Until it wasn’t.

This year, not only have I been studying about the early Saints of the church, but I have also been enthralled with learning of my own family members who participated in such miraculous events.

Man, those guys were tough! Trudging through the snow in bare feet and tattered clothes, not just up the drive to retrieve the trash cans, but for hundreds and hundreds of miles. Leaving behind friends and loved ones to pursue the Gospel of Christ, even if it meant never seeing them again in this life. Giving all they had to ensure they were doing their part in helping the Lord‘s work roll on. Their stories are inspiring, but one characteristic they all seemed to share has really struck a chord with me these last few weeks.

They truly lived their testimonies.

Through their actions, through their words, even through their smile, others knew that they knew Christ. No one could doubt their love for their Savior, their dedication to Him, or even the Christlike similarities they had developed through Him. They truly were disciples of Christ, and because of their endurance and their faithfulness, I am so, so blessed.

Oh, how I want to be like them! How I wish I were brave enough to get up each and every Fast and Testimony meeting, or be fearless in any interaction I have with others, to declare my testimony. To shout from the rooftops that I know Him and love Him and worship Him.

I am doubtful that by tomorrow morning, I will be a changed person, one who is willing to bear a piece of my soul with every person I meet. I hope that my actions speak volumes, but where they do not, I have decided to cover all of my bases.

This, is my redo testimony. These are all of the things I wished I had said that fateful morning, and all of the things I want each and every person I come in contact with to know. I never want to look back and regret the times I didn’t help someone know my Savior, because I cannot imagine my life without Him.

It’s doubtful this blog post will reach more than ten people at most, but to the people it does, I hope it shows you the love your Savior has for you. I hope it shows you that He is real, that this Gospel is real, and that the feelings you have are real.

I know that my Savior lives. I know that He truly suffered the pains and afflictions of every person on this earth, because I have felt His help through my own struggles. I have seen His hand, leading and guiding me through this maze with all of its twists and turns. I have felt His comfort when I need it, His strength when I need it, and His love when I truly needed it most.

I have seen how that love has changed me for the better. I believed I was a good person in high school, but oh how foolish I was! I wish that girl could see who she would become, because of Christ. How much more loving and understanding and strong she is, because of the trials she would walk through with Christ.

Never will I doubt His intentions or plans for me, because they have never once led me astray. He has led me to places I never imagined, but the view by His side is spectacular, and the peace that comes from knowing this it is His plan is like nothing I have ever imagined.

I know He knows me. He wants me to be happy, He encourages me to choose joy, and He gave me commandments to help me achieve just that. I know that repentance through Him is a gift, a gift that should be used often and with a thankful heart. How grateful I am for the chance to get to know Him better through my many, many mistakes.

I know that after His suffering, He truly rose from the dead, making it possible for us to do the same. I know that is what He wants most for us, to live with Him again someday, because He loves us. I know that because of His sacrifice, because of His victory, I will one day be reunited with my loved ones who have passed on. I am so grateful for the love I feel from them as they cheer me on through the difficulties and triumphs of life. What an incredible gift it is, the peace that comes with knowing this is not the end.

I know He is without beginning and end, everlasting and everlasting, which means His love for us, His goals for us, His designs for us never change. He always wants what’s best for us, and we can always trust Him. His plans may not always align with those of the world, or the ones we believe we want, but rest assured, the life He helps us to create will be far better than anything we could have done on our own.

I know that my Father in Heaven loves me just as much, because He sent His Son to suffer for me, so that I might return to Him. Never will I be able to repay Him for the gift of His Son's love, His Son's mercy, His Son's comfort, or His Son's strength. I have felt both of Their presences as I have stumbled through this life, and looking back I am always amazed to see just how much Their hands were in it all.

I know that my Heavenly Father listens to each and every one of my prayers, even the insignificant and silly ones, because I have watched the answers unfold before my eyes. When I speak to Him, it is truly like speaking to a father. Through repetition and trial, He has become one of the few people I feel comfortable bearing my whole soul to. Nothing can be withheld from His eyes, and as I share my weaknesses and my worries with Him, He truly helps them to become my strengths. Through prayer, I have come to understand some of His perfect love for me, and I know that doing such has changed my life.

I know Heavenly Father never gives us a commandment or trial or lesson that He does not work for our good. To some, His commandments may seem stifling, but I have seen and know the protection and joy they bring. He knows all, the end from the beginning, the smallest flower to the newest baby born to the world. If He can see and know all, why not trust the counsel He gives us? I know that it will always bring us the peace and happiness we are seeking, even as our world around us swirls.

I know that things seem out of control and terrifying right now, but I also know that They are in control. They know exactly what They are doing, and They have never once done anything that wouldn't benefit Their beloved sons and daughters. Their hands are in my life constantly, and I have no need to fear. Though we may not understand the why's behind all that goes on, we can take comfort in knowing that They do, and that They are people we can always trust.

I know They love me with a perfect love, even though I am far from perfect. I know They see the best in me, when I see the worst, and are always prepared to help me achieve just that. I know They hear my cries, and that They cry right along with me. Though I may not understand Their plan, I know that it is hand tailored perfectly to me, meaning there is no need to worry as long as I remain by Their side. I know the peace They send is real, and that it is I who has the problem accepting what They so willingly give. I know They only want to give me the best of things in this life.

I know The Book of Mormon is true. I know this without a doubt in my mind. I have read it, I have prayed to know its truth, and that fact has been confirmed to me several times over. I know that it is a companion with the Bible and other forms of scripture, each with the purpose to lead me to Christ.

I know that The Book of Mormon helps me to become the best person I can be, the most like Christ. It teaches of me of His love for me, reminding me that I have worth and value, and that I have never gone too far. It is one of the ways He uses to speak to me, speaking truths and lessons that apply directly to me, though they were first written hundreds of years ago. The Book of Mormon inspires me to be more like Him, as it teaches me how important it is to share the joy and knowledge I have with others not so fortunate. It has been my comfort in the storms, my peace throughout the day, and my teacher in the moments when I least expected it. It truly is one of the best instruments the Lord has placed on this earth.

I know that Joseph Smith was truly a prophet called of God. I know that through the power of God, he translated the Book of Mormon, giving us another testament of Jesus Christ. The Savior and Heavenly Father really appeared to Joseph Smith, restoring the Gospel once again to the earth and reminding us that They still speak today. Though I know Joseph Smith was imperfect, as we all are, I know that he truly did his best to bring about the Lord's plans. Standing upon the foundation he helped to create, I can see that his efforts were not for naught. Through his obedience to God's commands, he has helped to lead so many souls to Christ, and will continue to do so through the power of the Book of Mormon.

I know that President Russell M. Nelson is the Lord‘s prophet on the earth today. The Lord truly speaks to us through him, using his voice to guide us through these troubled times. As I have accepted and followed the counsel President Nelson has given, I have literally seen my life be saved. Abiding by his words is the same as abiding by the Lord's words, and that is something I always want to do. I know that the commandments the Lord gives, both now and in the past, are tools with which He uses to bless us. I have seen and can testify of the peace and protection and joy that comes from heeding the counsel of the Lord.

I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true. It is Christ’s church restored to the earth once more. Being a member of this church has changed me, and will continue to change me for the better. It makes me happy. Never have I felt so much indescribable joy than by sitting in the pews at church, surrounded by the Spirit of God. Christ's church has taught me to be strong, showing me the correct path to make it through trials, and come out the other side strengthened and seasoned. This church has taught me to know Christ. Not to know facts of His life or who He was, but to know Him as He truly is. My friend, my confidant, my advocate, my Savior. That, is how I know it is true.

Never in my life did I see this going as long as it did. Every time I though I was close to being done, I would think of seven more things I know to be true. This is not close to the extent of my testimony, and I am sure it will continue to grow and mature as I do. However, these are the things I want you to know now. These are the things I never want you to doubt that I know. These are the things that I hope will bring you closer to Christ.