SAVED BY GRANDPA

In the almost four years of my blogging career, rarely have I felt the need to skip a week. Sure, there were countless times when I just didn’t feel like putting in the effort, or waited until there was literally no time left to continue the procrastination process. Almost weekly, I think

”Why bother! It’s not like anyone reads it but your mom, anyway! No one will notice if you miss just one week.”

While these are undeniable truths, my persistent perfectionism has never allowed me to succumb to the logic. Perhaps I will never be the greatest writer in the world, and perhaps I will forever be able to count the number of my fans on two fingers, but that is not an excuse for laziness! Proudly, I will bear my title of adequate, consistent blogger for as long as I am able.

Well, this week, it seemed as if I truly wouldn’t be able. This week, it has seemed as if almost everything was too much to bear. This week, I needed saving, and though I shouldn’t have been surprised, it was my grandfather who came to my aid.

I don’t know if any name I bear will ever bring me as much joy as “Grandpa’s Girl“ always has. So many times in the past week, I have repeated the phrase, “Well hi there, girl!”, just to hear your voice once more in my memories.

One of my biggest supports, one of the few people I loved to get hugs from, and someone who loved me enough to sometimes hurt my feelings with the truth, you will forever be one of my favorite people the whole world over. How blessed was I to have known you?

You, Grandpa J, are the only reason this post is being forced through my fingers at this very moment. Never one to shirk a responsibility, the thought of failing you is the only thing keeping me going in this moment. Even though you are no longer here to read them on earth, I can’t bear to think of disappinting you by not seeing this through. I have made a commitment to myself, my loved ones, and most importantly you, to continue to share what I know of Christ, and I intend to keep that promise. I will not let you down.

Well, at least in this instance, because let’s be honest, I’ve been letting you down for weeks now. Or, that’s how it feels. I’m not brave enough, I’m not strong enough, I’m not worthy enough, I’m not happy enough, I’m not trying enough, I’m just not enough.

It‘s killing me inside to think of you, watching from above, as I stumble and fall through these trivial trials. How ashamed you must be! How irritated you must be, with my constant failures, or my inability to grind through until I reach the other side. Oh, how I wish I was more like you! Unfortunately, it seems as if you’re grit and determination missed a generation, leaving me the weak one out in a sea of stalwart kin.

I’m sorry I keep failing. I’m sorry that I can’t seem to get my feet underneath me. I’m sorry that I am not making you proud.

Despite how obviously undeserving I am of your love and compassion and support, it has still managed to reach me, even from on the other side of the veil. In the quiet of the early morning, in an unwanted hug from my mother, in the quiet whisperings of the Spirit, and even in the gruff sound of your voice in my mind, I have felt your love.

Somehow, in spite of how flawed I know I am, you still manage to find pride. Though I am not doubt blinded to how heaven views me, you have never have been. Even from Heaven’s footstool, it seems you are still donning your rose-colored glasses, perhaps even chucking multiple pairs of replica ones down towards me, in hopes of showing me my worth.

I can’t guarantee it will work, as my weakness and mistakes shine so brightly, they could be labeled as a potential hazard to others. However, just as I promised to continue writing for you, I promise to do my best. I promise to continue fighting, continue growing, and continue believing in Christ.

Not just in His grand, unmatchable power, or His unimaginable sacrifice, but also in His love. In His love for you, in His love for this world, but especially in His love for me. I promise to trust it, I promise to use it, and I promise to let it change me. I cannot vow that the process will be speedy, but I promise to dig into the Gospel of Christ, using it to light my way, and my view of myself. I promise to let it save me.

So, though I have countless things to thank you for, I will do my best to keep the list short. I thank you for the memory of your laugh and your smile in my head. I thank you for my mother, who is so much like you, sometimes it is like you are still in the room with us. Also similar to you, I will never, ever deserve her, but I will do my best to live up to the blessing that she is. I thank you for your example, and for the lasting impact you will have on the rest of my life. Because of you, I know I will continue to grow into the person God wants me to be.

Finally, I must thank my Heavenly Father. Thank you for sending your Son. Thank you for giving me strength and comfort when it seems so fleeting. Thank you for the love and support of my incredible family, my life would be so meaningless without them in it. Lastly, I think you for the moments when you make the veil so thin, that once again, I can feel my grandfather saving me.