TALKS WITH GOD

"Ok, girls! I want you to answer a question for me."

The row of beautiful Young Women surrounding me, some of my favorite people on the planet, sat attentive and ready to answer.

"When you met your best friend, were you best friends right away? Or, did it take some time to get to know one another?"

As some connections do, many of the girls bubbled and burst with the talk of how their best friendships just came into being. However, after some poking and prodding to try and get the lesson to take the turn I was hoping it would go, they reluctantly admitted that it takes time to get to know some one on a deep level.

"So, how do we create that relationship?"

Communication was the consensus we reached, which led to my final question.

"So, then, how do we get to know Heavenly Father better?"

"By talking to Him." On of the wisest souls I have ever met, answered.

Following, one of the most cheerful people I have ever met added, "I tell Heavenly Father everything when I'm talking to Him. How my day went. What I'm sad about. All of it."

I learned a lot from my time spent serving those gorgeous, future leaders of the world, but this important lesson was not one I truly took to heart.

Tell Him everything.

Flash forward several years, and I'm driving home from the temple. The sky is a perfect shade of blue, the air conditioning is easily combatting against the August heat, and home is drawing closer and closer.

And I am miserable. Miserable.

Confused. Searching. Defeated. Feeling like a failure in more ways than one can count.

The trip up and back, I had been listening to the only audiobook I had ever downloaded, Cheers to Eternity by Al and Ben Carraway. Younger, obsessed with love Ellie had selected this book and never finished it. Terrified-of-marriage-Ellie was less inclined to listen, but had been prompted to, and so she went for it.

Plus, six-hour car rides NEED distraction.

And I know without a doubt that such a suggestion was given to me by God. Not because He was nudging me further down the marriage road, (or maybe He was and I am just really good at tuning Him out) but because I needed to learn the sweet lesson my Young Women had tried to teach me years before.

Tell Him everything.

In the book, Al speaks on several occasions about her personal conversations with God. Ones where she cried, poured out her whole soul, and even got angry with God. She told Him exactly how she was feeling, and such an action inspired me.

Smacking the volume knob on the radio, I shut off the audio book and let it all out. Let it alllllll out.

The heartache. The hard times. The sorrow. The shame. The fear of the unknown. Just like that remarkable young woman and Al, I told the Lord everything.

I didn't feel that different after exposing my soul. There was no flash of light, no realigning of the cosmos, no sudden understanding. A little discouraged, I turned the audiobook back on, and continued on my way home.

And not an hour later, many of the questions I had been worrying over were answered in one, three-minute phone conversation.

Now, I don't share this experience to guarantee that yelling and crying to the Lord is going to get you your answers. Anyone who has spent any time with Him knows such is rarely the case 😂 It all comes in His timing, no matter our reaction.

However, I am saying that it will change you, and it will change your relationship with Him. Because it has for me.

Since that fateful Saturday, stuck in a car, I have tried to continue to be honest with the Lord. Not always angry, or bitter, or resentful, or sorrowful, but sometimes. Perhaps it all ties back to my perfectionism, but by being honest, I realize how much I have been "hiding" from the Lord.

Not hiding, because duh, He knows everything. But building a wall between us. By pretending things weren't as bad as they were, or like I wasn't upset, or telling myself I just needed to buck up and keep going, I distanced myself from Him. I cast Him in a shadow He doesn't wear. I didn't allow Him to help me.

And that is all He wants to do. Help us. I think that is what He has been trying to do this entire year, but I haven't been letting Him in. I've been keeping Him at bay, trying to hold it all together myself. Impossible. Foolish. Heart-wrenching.

When I finally let down my mask of perfection with my Heavenly Father, when I stopped trying to pretend that I didn't need help and that everything was fine, that's when everything changed. When I started treating Him like what He is, a loving Heavenly Father, that's what He became to me.

That doesn't mean all my trials have gone away. It doesn't mean that I'm sometimes not furious with how my life is turning out. That doesn't mean prayer isn't still hard sometimes.

But it does mean that I know Him. That I trust Him. It means, for possibly the very first time, I don't feel alone anymore. I have my Savior and my Heavenly Father on my side. And as I talk with them openly, I can feel them all around me. In places I never expected and in ways that touch my very center.

My talks with God have become very different, and I am so grateful for it.