THAT GIRL ➡️ THIS GIRL

I don't want this to come off as a cheesy, cliché New Year post. I'm banking on the fact that it came out a month past the mark to tip the scales in my favor 😉

I'm also hoping that my reminiscent feelings occupying a lot more of the last year and a half, rather than 2023 in general, will keep me firmly in the "relatability" category.

Who knows, though? Guess you'll just have to read and find out.

Eighteen months. Looking back, it amazes me how short of a time period that really was. It felt like eons. Probably to those around me, as well, because I am not a "suffer in silence" type. I'm suffering, and everyone knows it. That is just the way it is.

We don't need to go into the nitty, gritty details of what occurred. You all know we've covered that about a billion times. However, if you dare to do a rinse and repeat, I'll attach the offending blogs at the end of this post. Just remember, you've been warned.

No, rather than direct attention to what I thought I'd lost during that period of my life, I want this page to be filled with all I have gained. Because it has been so, so much.

I can remember vividly, in the thick of things, being desperate to go back to how it was before the catastrophic event that sent my life into what I thought was a tailspin.

"What I wouldn't give to go back and be that girl. She had it so easy."

Newsflash: That girl did not have it easy. You couldn't pay me enough money in the world to go back and be that girl.

Why? Because that girl didn't know her Savior. It took that girl going through some perfectly placed stretching and growing periods to get to the new person that stands before you. And as stated before, I wouldn't give her up for anything.

Because now she knows. And the knowledge she has gained has changed everything.

That girl knew of her Savior. She thought she understood who He was, and the role He played in her life.

This girl now recognizes the Savior's rightful place at the center of her life, and is more happy than she has ever been trying to maintain her focus on Him.

That girl believed the only way to be loved was if she held it all together. She was waiting to be loved when she received her first acceptance letter for publishing, moved out on her own, and started her own family. She believed her life was just a series of failures until she could achieve those milestones. Failure that kept those around her, and her Savior and Heavenly Father, from being proud or supportive of her.

This girl recognizes that she will never be able to hold it all together. This girl is a witness of the miracles God has created in her life, all through her "mistakes". This girl recognizes that the point of the Gospel is not to never make a mistake, but rather to know Him. This girl recognizes that she is actually pretty great, just like every single Child of God.

That girl saw her relationship with her Savior and Heavenly Father as transactional. If she kept things as perfect as she possibly could, the Lord would reward her with the things she wanted. As stated above, that girl did not get everything she thought she wanted, which led her to question what she was doing wrong. She was being righteous, where were the blessings?

This girl is in awe of the blessings that surround her. This girl is filled with the love of God, the love that He constantly has for her. The love that perpetuates everything, that fills every crack, guides every movement, enhances every weakness, brightens every day, and changes every being, if they let it. This love gave it all for her, and asks nothing in return but her devotion back. This love has created this girl, reminding her that she has so many reasons to hope for the future.

That girl nitpicked evey single thing about herself. What she wore, how she looked, how she went about her day. Every single decision she made was graded, and almost every single time, she came up failing.

This girl truly understands repentance. She sees the point behind it not as punishment, but as beautiful second chances. She hears her Savior when He tells her she is doing enough, even if she does make mistakes. All do, and He loves them all the same. Repentance has changed for this girl, from something she hated and evidence of her missteps, to a chance to try again. To become a little better. To draw closer to Him. She finds so much power in the freedom this gives her.

That girl had zero self confidence. Shown in the paragraph proceeding, she knew she was doing absolutely everything wrong. Is it even possible to believe in one's self, if every step you take is incorrect?

This girl has so much confidence, but the confidence doesn't come from within, it comes from Him. It comes from believing Him. From choosing to trust Him when He says she is awesome, important, needed, and doing the very best she can. She now knows that the best she can offer, her honest efforts, are all He asks of her. It is all she needs ask of herself, too.

That girl thought that perhaps her continued rejections in both love and a professional standpoint meant that she wasn't ready for it. That she hadn't yet earned those hopes and dreams through her own merits. That she was always doing something to mess up the Lord's plans for her.

This girl is humble enough to admit that she would never be able to earn anything on her own skills alone. And she wouldn't want to. The Lord is invested in every aspect of her writing process, and she wouldn't have it any other way. It is so much better with Him in it. She also has eyes to see that those blessings weren't put off because she wasn't worthy, (although, clearly this growth was NEEDED) but because God had a perfect, loving plan for her. Still does, and she is happy to see it unfold at His pace.

That girl took every criticism as a personal attack. One comment could derail her whole day, leading her to believe, once again, that she had ruined it all. Are we sensing a theme here?

This girl is slowly but surely becomeing grateful for the loving, but correcting, suggestions of others and her Savior and Heavenly Father. They are making her more like Him, latching her tighter to Him, and that is right where she wants to be.

That girl had no hope. Glancing at the life she had built, she had come to see and know that such was all she would ever have. Nothing would change. Nothing would be altered. No dreams would be reached, no burdens would be lifted. This was it.

This girl is amazed at the wonderful circumstances she lays claim to. Sure, she hopes that at some point different excitement and joys will be drawn into the fold, but right now? Right now she is in love with what she has. A great family, the chance and ability to chase after her passions, a church family she can't get enough of, support out the wazoo, so many opportunities to serve. She is right where she needs to be, and she knows it. However, she also knows that her's is a God of miracles, and hope for such can be found everywhere.

That girl did not truly comprehend faith. She thought faith was a religion, something that was immediately compensated for, or something you didn't really have to stretch that far for. You might not have wholly known what you claimed to believe, but you at least had an inkling. You certainly didn't feel abandoned to trudge through the trial of faith yourself.

This girl knows faith is a choice, a choice she gets to make every day. She knows that it is a hard decision on a lot of days, but one that makes her the most happy and brings her the most peace. She knows she is never alone in her faith, even if it might seem that way at times. She knows every effort she makes towards her belief is counted and marked for her good. She finds joy in making Them happy with her actions, but knows she never has to earn Their love.

That girl thought she had no one to rely one. That girl grappled with the truth that no one understood what she was passing through. That girl knew of a Savior who had suffered what she suffered, but she didn't know how to pursue that aid. She didn't feel Him, so He must not be there.

This girl is amazed by the best friend the Savior has come to be in her life. She knows Him. She feels His support. She is amazed by the power of prayer, and how it reminds her He is always there, even if the answers don't come right away. He is her support in everything, and it never wavers. It is always there, showing His grace and love in the moments when she needs it the most. She knows He is real, she knows He is there, and she knows that He is her partner in life.

That girl did not know of the love of Her Savior and Heavenly Father.

This girl does.

Can you see why I wouldn't want to go back to her?

However, I am grateful for her, and all she endured, (even if it was not pretty to look at) because with the help of her Savior, it brought her here. To this girl.

Never before have I felt more connected to this scene from The Chosen. I'm not that girl anymore, and it is all because of Him.