THE CHOICE YOU ALWAYS HAVE

This, is Lulu. The dog that has taught me I will never, ever want a basset hound again. The pup that has created more havoc in my life than possibly any other, via chases through snow covered fields, death glares across the room, and the oddest of snack choices. The hound that somehow manages to capture being my mortal enemy, and my soul-sister in negativity, all in one fatal swoop.

And yeah, I can't imagine my life without her. Blah, blah, blah. Don't be deceived by that adorably droopy face, Lulalroo is an evil mastermind. As evidenced by the stories I am going to present below.

Lulu has interesting ways of showing her displeasure. Sometimes she yells at you, sometimes she flees the room when you enter it, and other times, she uses her bodily functions as a weapon.

See, not so cute, huh?

After this haughty hound scratches at the door to let one know she needs to go, one has exactly 2.5 seconds to set her free, or she will make you pay.

Or, she will make me pay. She pees, I'm not kidding, right at the entrance of my bedroom, every time. She positions that puddle so she has the greatest odds that it will be stepped in. Most likely by a socked foot.

However, the worst of Lulu's assaults of revenge came just after we moved to our new house in 2020.

Lularoo is a girl who likes to be outside. She bakes in the sun, surveys her domain, and chases grasshoppers through the yard. Outdoors is her happy place.

Unfortunately, our new abode did not have a yard to confine Lulu's outdoor adventure's, hence the chases through snowy fields. Learning from the many times she took off after a rabbit, Lularoo was confined to the house for much of the first year of our lives here, and she was not happy about.

She was also not afraid to show that displeasure by dropping little presents all around our dining room table. A perfect circle, all in one go.

She really is pretty intelligent. If only she would use her powers for good.

I've made this statement before, and it tastes more and more awful each time it comes out of my mouth, but lately, I have been acting a lot like Lulu. We might show our displeasure in different ways, but we are both happy to put it on full display.

Trials just really stink, don't they? Especially the ones that drag. Especially the ones that you didn't cause.

I feel like problems you bring on yourself you have to have at least a little humility with. But the ones that just come, the ones that you have no control over, or the ones that others bring upon you, it's hard to be humble in that.

And I have not been. I have not been humble, at all. I've been prideful and irritated and grumpy and vengeful and unforgiving.

Just like Lulu, I feel like I have been dropped into a situation that I didn't ask for, don't deserve, didn't see coming, and absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, despise with every fiber of my being.

Because I did nothing to deserve this. I have done everything to deserve anything but this, if we are being honest. I feel I have tried my very, very best to keep on the straight and narrow, and winds I didn't bring on are doing their best to knock me off.

Ahh, ever the humble Ellie. Because, if we're being honest, I don't deserve any of the blessings the Lord has given me. I promise, I am aware of that. Logic is floating there in the back of my mind. However, lately, righteous indignation has taken the center stage of my thoughts.

I feel I am being unfairly punished, and I am sick of it. Sick. Of. It. And I am letting the Lord know, you better believe me.

Silent treatment. Cold shoulder. Passive agressiveness. I am pulling out all of the tools from my irritated tool belt. Sure, I am still doing what is asked of me, but it is just going through the motions. It's just checking it off a list. It's more fuel for my fire to prove that I didn't earn this situation. Another piece of evidence to wave in the Lord's face.

I am angry with the Lord, and He knows it.

But guess what? Just like Lulu, my actions aren't helping. Like at all.

When we first moved to our new town, there is nothing more I would have rather done than packed up and moved back. I might have taken Lulu with me. Might have.

But, I couldn't. I couldn't change the circumstances. They were what the they were, and Lulu surprising us all with several little bombs did not help her in the slightest. It just made us more irritated with her.

Luckily, our Father in Heaven isn't like that. No matter how many times we get frustrated and release our poorly aimed rage at Him, He never gets irritated with us. Instead, He is always calling us back to Him. Something I did not do with Lulu.

Unfortunately, however, the Lord cannot stop the consequences that come from our actions. I put a wall up between us, and there a wall appeared.

"I don't see Him. I don't see Him in any of this." I cried to my mom.

And I couldn't. Not because He wasn't there, but becasue I was choosing not to see Him. I had gotten myself stuck on the other side of that wall, and I had no idea how to climb back over it.

And honestly, I'm still not sure how to unstick myself. However, I've recognized the issue, and that's the first step to change, right?

This whole time I've been preaching to myself that He's not there. He's not listening. He is unaware. He doesn't care. He doesn't love me. Because if He did, He would take this from me, right?

I know, wrong. But sometimes it doesn't feel that way. And honestly, I'm still having a hard time seeing where He is in this big, unfair scenario.

But you know what? I have seen Him in the small things. I've seen Him in the day to day things. I've seen Him countless times in the tender mercies, even if I'm really bad at acknowledging them.

I think that's the start, though. If I can choose to see Him there, in the little, maybe I'll begin to see Him here, in the huge. Because He's been in the huge before, He's just a little harder to see now.

So, here are three times I saw the hand of the Lord in my life this week:

Rest. The Lord offers really good rest.

The encouraging words of my mother.

The snuggles of a dog who does not actively use my room as a bathroom.

As it often does, the more we focus on the positive, the more the positive appears. That sentiment rarely brings me any comfort 😂, but I guess I must be getting pretty desperate, because this time around, I can feel a change. I can feel the lifting of my heart. I can feel the light around me growing.

Throughout this long, drawn out trial, I felt like I haven't had a say in it all. My entire life, I've been told one of the greatest gifts the Lord had given to us was agency, and I felt like my hands were tied. That there was nothing I could do. That the Lord was forcing this situation on me, and wouldn't take it away.

But now, I see that I do have a choice. I always have a choice. I might not have the choice to remove the hardship, but I can make it just the tiniest bit easier to get through. And in the world of challenges, the tiniest bit matters a lot.

So, take it from me and Lulu. Don't wallow in what you can't change. Don't put your irritations on display like art in a museum.

Don't distance yourself from Him. Make the sometimes very difficult choice to see the good, to see Him. It's the choice you always have.