OUR LIGHT IN THE DARK

I don’t really know how to write this blog. My plan is just to start and see where it goes 😂

“What do you think the surprise is going to be?”

Crowded in our teeny-tiny chairs, me and the five and six year olds that surrounded me watched with full attention as the storms and darkness filled the screen. Well, mostly full attention. The three-year-old kept shouting the word, “fire”, which, in his defense, was also a natural disaster that was taking place in the video.

All of us were waiting in anticipation for the moment in 3 Nephi when the light would finally break.

“It’s Jesus!” A little boy with blond hair shouted in excitement, answering my question from before.

The blonde little girl sitting next to him, glanced his way with irritation behind her glasses, and deadpanned, “You ruined it.”

I warned you this was going to be all over the place today!

The past month of my life has felt a lot like the chapters in 3 Nephi after the Savior’s death, when the land was covered in darkness and destruction. According to scripture, it was so dark, the people couldn’t even light a candle or a fire. For three days, they were stuck in that pitch black nightmare. (3 Nephi 8:21)

I can almost feel it as I picture the circumstances. Thick and opressive, frightening and overwhelming. A place where it sometimes feels like no hope resides.

That, is how I have felt the past thirty days, though it seemed like so much longer. For what had to have been an eternity, I felt cut off from the Spirit’s presence. I could think of nothing apart from my own stresses and worries. Every waking hour, and sometimes even the sleeping hours, fear consumed me. The light of Christ could not get in.

At the beginning of the trial, I was able to hold fast to the flame I had inside of me. Guarding it from the buffets and the torrents of wind, I shielded my light, holding fast to the knowledge I possessed that my Savior was in this with me. That He had not abandoned me. That the tempest would pass, and I would be stronger because of it. I would know Him better, I would trust Him more.

However, as the days turned into weeks, my little fire of faith began to flicker and spark. Would this ever end? Was He really there? Did He even care?

Then, my thoughts turned inward. Clearly, I must have been doing something wrong. I was making some mistake, and if I could just pinpoint what the error was, all of this would go away.

So, I tried different tactics. Attacked my issues from different sides, but nothing seemed to work. With tired fingers, I clung to the answers I teach those sweet kids every week, the ones I assured them would get them through, even if I didn’t believe so at the moment.

So, I waffled again. Wondering where in the world my Savior could be. He didn’t seem to be in this pit of despair with me. I began to blame Him for my misfortunes. A solid plan, I know.

Recently, I heard someone read the verse in John 11:21, which states,

“Then said Martha unto Jesus, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.”

Nothing could have captured my viewpoint more perfectly. If the Lord was here, if He had been aware or paying attention or caring, this never would have happened in the first place.

Don’t worry, I went back to the self-loathing quick enough.

The darkness was swallowing me whole, and I truly began to feel as if there was no way out. This was it. This was my life. Never feeling the Spirit. Never recognizing His love. Always disappointing Him. Getting up everyday just to wrestle with my mind and the stresses that resided there.

But then, just as it always does, the dawn breaks. A warmth begins to take over the shadows. Hope reappears, rekindling the flame in our hearts.

“It’s Jesus!”

However, the surprise is not ruined. It was never really a surprise, was it? All along, He really was there.

For the third time, I’ve come to warn you that this blog’s thread of flow is a tangled mess.

Recently, as Oakley Anne and I have partaken in our morning ritual of fetch, I’ve noticed something. After we are done, and I begin the next task of cleaning up the yard, sweet Oakley follows me. She’s exhausted, and often plops down in the dewy grass to cool down, but then, she pops up to trot after me as I move from one corner to the next. She is always beside me, not matter how tired she is.

The same is true of the Savior. No matter what trial we are walking through, no matter how scary it sometimes seems, or when we don’t even know what is wrong, or what the next right step to take is, He is there. He never gets tired of helping us carry the load, even when He shoulders most of the weight. He has never left us. That is something we can always count on.

Sometimes, trials don’t have a reason, “why”, behind them. Or, the reason doesn’t come without years of perspective. At that moment, things can just be really sucky. And it did suck, it sucked so bad. My whole attitude this past month has been to buckle and break under the amount of suck.

However, in the rare moments I chose to focus on Him, and not let my worries consume me completely, I had light. And, I know that light was there the entire time. I know my Lord heard my cries, even when it felt like He didn’t. I know He answered them, even when it wasn’t in the way I wanted or expected. I know He loved me enough to do what He knew was best, even though I was sometimes enraged with Him, and felt betrayed by Him, for it.

To end where we began, I don’t really know how to close this off. I just feel the need to say that it ends. It feels like it never will, but it does. He is there. He has a plan. He is real. He doesn’t enjoy watching us suffer. He is proud of us. He is proud of us. Those things I was doing that didn’t feel like enough? He thinks they were.

There is a light in the darkness. The night and the storm does end. Not always comforting in the midst of things, but it should be, because it’s truth, Ellie. Listen to your words 😂

And, when it’s over, we will look beside us, and in no surprise at all, find that Jesus was there the whole time.