THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS

Thoughts in Septemberish, 2020

Closing the lid on my laptop, I picked up the phone and immediately texted my mom.

“I did it. I finished it.”

Though she was busy at work, her first thought was to pick up her phone and call me. To celebrate with me, and plan for the evening ahead. To remind me how proud she was of me.

Why? Because I had just finished the very first draft of my very first book.

I was so incredibly grateful for her excitement, the excitement that matched mine. This was it. The moment I had been waiting for. All those years spent praying and crying and wondering what on earth I was sent to this world for, it was all becoming clear. It was all about to begin.

All the missed opportunities, all the time that I’d worried I’d wasted,all the confusing turns and twists in my road had led to this? All of it was worth it.

I was going to be an author.

Or, I really, really hoped I was going to be. Terrified to even utter the words aloud, afraid to admit that this was the direction I felt I was being pulled towards, I kept what I was doing a secret apart from everyone but her. Mom’s always get to know everything. It’s the right they have earned due to everything they do for us.

And why was I so fearful?

Because it appeared to me that nothing had worked out in the past? (A lie I can see clearly in 2024. Everything, actually, worked out exactly as it should. The Lord really does know what He is doing. Shocker.) Because I’m someone who had always stayed inside the lines, and this was a line I had never even envisioned creeping up next to? Because I was fretting over what others would think? Because I was afraid of failing, and what that would mean? Because, like with every other step I’d taken, this was the wrong one?

Yes. Yes to all!

But, those last couple, especially, were consuming all of my thoughts. I had to have success. I had to prove to everyone around me that I wasn’t crazy, or naïve to think I could do this. I had to show myself, others, and I think even the Lord (when He was the one giving me this dream in the first place 😂) that this is something I was meant to do.

If I was going to be an author, I was going to be an author. I was going to be Stephenie Meyer level good. (Had I just finished Midnight Sun? Duh. Did that color my dreams for the future? Also, duh). I was going to be a best seller with my very first book.

This was going to verify that my life really did have a plan. This was it.

Fast forward four years, and it is clear to see why those rejections for my first two books hit me so, so hard. I was trying to prove something to the world, and all I was doing was proving that I had failed. Again. And the my life really didn’t have any semblance of order to it.

But, as I alluded to earlier, this was the plan. All of this was the plan. And man, I am so grateful to the Lord for seeing it through.

I’ve grown a lot in these four revolutions around the sun, and that growth I feel has been on an accelerated path in the last twelve months. It is amazing the miracles the Lord can work in such a short amount of time.

The Lord has really helped me to see me. To see Him. And to see what really matters. To see what I really want.

Newbie-Author-Ellie had all these things she thought she wanted for her life. More-Settled-Author-Ellie realizes she doesn’t really desire any of those things 😂 And that’s ok.

That doesn’t mean she’s failing. That doesn’t mean she isn’t doing enough. That isn’t evidence that she has decided on the wrong life path. Rather, it’s given her peace that this is the right path. The perfect path for her, becasue He is guiding it. And He knows her, He knows her really well. Better than she knows herself.

She trusts Him with it all, because she has already seen the blessings that come from following Him and giving it to Him.

Ok, done with the third person 😂

These four years of trying and sending letters and praying were not a waste. They helped to put me in a mindset that reminded me of what really matters most in my life.

Billions of adoring fans? A hefty paycheck? Maybe a movie deal? (Something I never really wanted. Book to movie adaptations rarely get it right.)

Not really for me, if I’m being honest. And that’s clear in who I am, and in what I choose to write. Believe it or not, Latter-day Saint Rom Coms are kind of a niche market 😂 I don’t expect to blow up and become an overnight sensation.

But I know I’ve written what I love, what the Lord helped me to write. I know I love those characters with my whole soul. I know the way I choose to promote and market my book will be my way, not the pressured way I might have felt if I were under contract with someone. I know I can do things on my timeline, and not budge on the things that I feel matter most in my novels.

And, I know that I have a better relationship with Christ because of this season of my life. And that isn’t something I would ever give up even for my books to be on the front table at Barnes and Noble. I know I am at peace with what ever comes of this journey, because whatever He brings me is for me, and what ever He doesn’t, isn’t.

I know He’s guided me to think of what really matters most. A family, my testimony, the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I now know in my heart that as long as I have those, getting to write is just a bonus. An extra gift He’s blessed me with. Even if my friends and family are the sole people that buy Reframed that will be enough for me. And that is not something 2020 Ellie would have been able to say.

2020 Ellie had something to prove. 2024 Ellie has had it proved to her that she already has the most important things.