MY THOUGHTS ON LOVE

For some reason, I've felt very nervous as I've thought about posting this blog. This one feels extra raw, and a little embarrassing. However, each time I prayed about it, I felt like the message at the end was important. Recognized it was important to remind myself, and others, that with Christ, there is always hope.

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"We need to find you a husband. You're a catch!"

Recently I've discovered that all fathers are the same. They wear the same kind of eyewear. I like to call them, "Dad Goggles". They see their children in a certain, biased point of view, forgetting that others have opinions. Including their own children 😂

Over the years, I've received lots of loving, caring, though perhaps not requested, pieces of advice on my love life, and I think it is time to turn the tables. It's time I have my two cents.

My thoughts on love have ebbed and flowed in either direction over the years. There have been times where I nearly cried myself to sleep at night, wishing on stars for what others had. At the other end of the pendulum's swing, I have vowed to never be married. Here, I have felt that adding another, imperfect human to the equation was not a task I had the power, or desire, to take on.

It's a super fun roller coaster ride to be on. Care to join me?

I can vividly remember young, five-year-old Ellie being obsessed with love. Whether it was because of playing dolls, stories read to me that always contained, "happily ever after', or a soul-deep level of hopeless romantic that somehow manifested itself in elementary school, I loved the idea of love. I found myself often lost in a day dream of my Prince Charming coming to rescue me.

Fast forward several years, and in the summer between sixth and seventh grade, I met the love of my life. My OG book boyfriend. The man all others have been compared to. That's right, we all know who it is: Edward Anthony Masen Cullen.

My preteen and teen years only fueled the fire inside of me that burned for romance. Not in reality, of course, but in fictional worlds, where the men are practically perfect in every way. Ever since, I have been collecting book boyfriends like they are going out of style, and each one has made me believe more and more that a fairy tale ending would someday come my way.

High school made me realize that such a dream had to be put on hold. My little hometown offered few options for dating, as many were already paired off by the time my sixteenth birthday had come and gone. That didn't mean crushes never appeared. I mean, this is a girl who has been pining for the mushy gushy since kindergarten. But they never burned past that point. Sometimes in a flood of tears, and sometimes with barely the tease of a spark, but the crush was always smothered out.

As a blessing to me, I had some great friends who had jumped into the single boat with me. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, we made somewhat of a pact to wait for college to begin our love lives. That was where things were going to begin, we could just feel it. We laid across comforters imagining it, blasted "Everybody's Got Somebody But Me" by Hunter Hayes to get by, and counted down the days until graduation.

We all went to different colleges, so I do not know the extent of how that anticipation met its end for them, but for me? Let. Down.

One date. One date was all I got out of my two semesters at BYU. An embarrassing story that I pull out for the entertainment value now, but nothing further than that. My romantic endeavors felt like they hadn't even really begun when I returned home, which broke the heart of the little girl who had trusted that her true love would find her in college.

After a mission, finishing college, and starting the best job ever at the hair salon, all with a continued track record of zero relationships, that child's heart began to sour. Suddenly, I began to wonder why I had wanted to pursue romance in the first place. Could any man live up to the men I had met in fictional worlds? I did not think so.

My brother's horrifying retellings of his roommates' shenanigans did not sway my thoughts back onto the course where I had always seemed to live. The whole love thing seemed to be a lot more work than it was worth, and I had no desire to put in the effort.

Plus, deep inside, I began to wonder if the words of others, and my own fears, were true. Having waited so long now, would I be forced to settle? Would I end up with someone I did not truly adore, because I had been too picky, took the wrong course, or perhaps wasn't worthy for a love like I read about and dreamed for?

I didn't know. But I decided it wasn't worth the risk.

Until a certain boy came along. He came along, and the possibility of it all immediately had my heart singing a different tune. Or perhaps, a tune I had forgotten. One I'd believed I might never sing. This new chance opened my eyes to the excitement, joy, and wonder of romance again.

I began to wonder if this was it. If I was steps away from the path to my happily ever after. In all my pinning, in all my daydreams, in all my interactions, I had never felt like this before. That had to mean something, right?

Unfortunately, after putting myself out there, I discovered I had been singing a solo all along.

And it crushed me. And broke me. And suffering from the heartbreak, coupled with other things, gave me a skewed view of what love was.

Love was unnecessary vulnerability. Love was opening yourself up to be hurt. Love was letting someone have control over you. Love was a burden. Love might burn hot in the beginning, but it quickly cooled into something akin to toleration. Love was saddling yourself to someone you didn't even recognize a few years down the road. Love was failure. Love was dumb. Love wasn't what I'd read about in stories, and it wasn't the fantasy I'd carried with me throughout my entire life.

Love was fake. Love couldn't be part of the plan. At least, it wasn't for me. I wasn't going to let it be. I wouldn't allow myself to be hurt that way.

But now, a year later, after going on quite the healing journey with my Savior and Heavenly Father, my thoughts on romance have again shifted.

And it's not because of a guy. It's not because of some of the best book boyfriends around. Although, that list is still in a constant state of growth.

No, it's because of Him. It's always because of Him.

Because, I can't lie, my experiences have made me fearful. We live in a world where many seem to view the binding commitment of marriage as something...ancient, passive, an event rather than a relationship, unnecessary, a chore. A lot of the same things I was thinking not that long ago.

Entering the dating world is horrifying, and I have only ever really dipped my toe in the water. With so many options, and at the same time somehow, so few, it is daunting and overwhelming. Relationships can sometimes seem doomed to fail from the start.

I don't trust the dating world. I sometimes don't trust a chunk of the members contained in the male population. (It's called flushing the toilet, look it up. Also, Trash Jenga? No one likes that game. No one.) I don't trust myself to be able to care for another person in the way they need.

But I do trust Him, and that has made all of the difference. I trust Him. I know Him. I'm in awe of His love for me. I now know that He will not force me into a relationship I don't want. He is not going to make me settle, despite what others and myself might be beginning to worry over. He will help me to meet the task of loving someone else, and loving them well.

He has a plan. He's got it covered. He knows what He's doing. I've given it to Him, and I know He is going to work wonders with it.

Giving it to Him takes the pressure off of me. It makes the loving comments of those who care so much about me comical, and carry a little less sting. (They never mean it to be hurtful, and I promise I am aware of that. The sting usually comes from the reminder of singlehood, rather than the words themselves.) It allows me to breathe, and not stay up at night fretting over if I am doing enough. I am. And if not, He'll tell me. We are in a relationship, the most important relationship of my life. Out of all the people in my world, He will never let me down. When He prompts me to act, I will, because I trust Him.

So, what are my thoughts on love?

It's caring. It's kind. It's understanding. It's all encompassing. It's forgiving. It's worth it. It is the sweetest above all. And at some point, it is going to lead me to the right person for me. And, it will teach me how to love that person right back.