WHAT THIS YSA WANTS YOU TO KNOW

I am going to begin this blog post that I do not want to write with four, seperate instances that undeniably interconnect.

While on babysitting duty, I began chasing a child down the hall, only to have their older sibling shout at me from the living room, "Are you a mom yet?".

Sitting in a pew in the chapel, waiting for the meeting to begin, one of my dear, young friends inquired, "When are you going to get a boyfriend?". She then informed me that a six pack was required for any of her future boyfriends 😂

Again, in the midst of babysitting, the sweet girl bashfully asked, "Are you married?".

And finally, coming from a place that does not shock me in the slightest, my dad saw an advert for a YSA (Young Single Adult) Conference that had taken place the previous month. Informing me that I should have attended. I disagreed, reminding him that I had plenty of friends. To which he replied, "No, I want you to get married."

Marriage. Dating. Love. Set-ups. All topics I try my very, very best to avoid.

And yet, here I am, broaching each and every one of them head on.

Why? Well, if we're being honest, I kind of wanted to air my many grievenaces with each subject. Perhaps if those who loved me understood the torture I had endured in the world of dating, they would kindly hop off my back.

But that didn't seem very nice, so I restrained.

Until General Conference Weekend. General Conference is a bi-annual event where leaders, apostles, and our prophet, President Russell M. Nelson, speak to us. They relay the messages the Lord wants us to know at this moment in time. Many people go into Conference with a question and a prayer in their heart, seeking the answers in the words of the Lord.

Our Savior and Heavenly Father communicate with us during this sacred period, and this is what I felt Them communicating to me.

Write the blog.

The blog I no longer wanted to write. The tender spots I wanted to shield from the world. The embarrassment I hoped to keep to myself for just a little bit longer.

However, as we've learned often on Negative (N)ellie, the Spirit of the Lord will not be ignored. It will pester and badger, lovingly, until you agree. I decided to bypass that process this time and just go for it.

As always, I'm not sure why I have been prompted to pen this. I hope it brings comfort to others like me. Reminds them that they are not alone, as I often feel. Brings them assurance that they are doing enough.

Whatever the reason, here it is: What this YSA wants you to know.

We are trying.

I promise, we really, really are trying to find our person. Our eternal companions. Our other half. To follow the path Heavenly Father has laid out before us.

I know, on the outside, it might not appear that way. Twenty-eight-year-old girl, living at home in a small town in New Mexico, hates online dating, hates being set-up, and has also acquired quite the set of high standards after reading too many clean-romance books.

That's pretty cut and dry, right? I'm not doing anything. I'm not putting myself out there. I'm not seeking it out. I'm waiting for the Lord to bring me a man.

And I mean, kind of 😂

But also, no. I have been trying. I have been trying this whole time, just in different ways.

When I was in high school, waiting until I was sixteen to date, that was me trying. And it worked. By the time my sixteenth birthday rolled around, it became clear to both myself and the guys around me that entering into a relationship would only cause unnecessary hurt. Different standards, different lives as soon as college came around, it just wasn't going to work out. And that's ok. (At least, this is what I tell myself is the reason I remained single the entire time. Not because no one wanted to ask me out, but because us teenagers in South Eastern New Mexico were very mature 😂)

When I went to BYU, and believed that marriage could be just around the corner, I did my best to prepare myself for it. I took a marriage and family class. I tried to place myself in activities that I thought would introduce me to boys I found interesting. I put makeup on in regular intervals. Again, it wasn't meant to be yet. But, I was trying.

When I can home from BYU, heartbroken, lost, and feeling abandoned by God, the Lord led me through the process of trusting Him again. That was me trying. (read about that, here.)

When I can home early from my mission, again floating in a sea of confusion, but now armed with the life raft of the Lord to keep me afloat, I tried. I went to school, despite having no idea what to study. I made myself go to church, determined not to let the trials I was facing carry me away from the Church I knew was true. I developed deeper relationships with my family and friends. I did my best to be open to the idea of marriage, but also tried to be patient. To wait on the Lord. To trust in His timing.

When I graduated from college, still at a loss for what to do, I tried. I took a job at a place I loved. I re-entered my long-held and deeply missed love affair with books. I tried to serve the Young Women in my care to the best of my ability, and adored every second of it. (Those girls will never know how much they changed me for the better.) I learned to really enjoy my life for what it was. The idea of marriage went on the back burner, became something I didn't worry about, and began to wonder if I even wanted. That was me trying.

When we moved to a new town in the middle of a pandemic, causing an already spinning world to spin even faster, that was me trying. Throwing out the plan of Cosmetology school that I had been working towards for years, I banked instead on the prompting that writing was it. It was what I was meant to do. Finding my footing after losing my grandfather, the life I knew, and what felt like the only place I'd ever call home, that was me trying.

When I opened myself up to love for the first time in years, and was met with intense heartbreak. Then staggering through the hardest year of my life, where trials seemed to attack me on every side. Clinging to my testimony when everything outside and inside was begging me to let it go, apart from that still, small voice. Writing despite the rejections. Living for seeing the love in a Primary child's eyes. That was me trying.

When I began to come out of the fog. I began to appreciate the year of garbage, to understand and grasp that it had pulled me out of myself. That it had taught me to abandon perfectionism and run to Him. It taught me not worry about what others thought, but only what He thought. The whole of it allowing me to become confident in my choice to be a writer, the decisions I had made in life, the woman Christ had made me to be. That was me trying.

When I tried online dating. When I tried opening myself up to more set-ups. When I was finally able to move past my first heartache. And ultimately, when I decided to step back from it all, and give it to Him. When I decided to stop worrying about why I was still single, why nothing was working out, and instead focus on how great my life truly is. When I decided to fully put it in His hands and enjoy where I am until He changed it. That was me trying.

This entire time has been me trying.

One of my very favorite podcast, The Come Back Podcast, quotes this verse of scripture often, and it has quickly become one of my favorites.

Romans 8:28

28. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

All of this, this whole odd mish mash of the life I didn't want but now can't imagine not owning, was necessary. It is part of my story. It is the Lord working everything for my good. It's His plan unfolding before us all.

From the outside, you make look at the life of a YSA and think they are not trying. That they are not putting in effort. That they are not exercising faith. I can assure you, they are. Perhaps not in an action-oriented way, but the Lord can make miracles out of anything. This is their trying. Trust it. Pray for them. Have faith in them. Have faith in the Lord.

A good friend of mine and I were speaking of what we thought the Lord was trying to tell us at the moment. We both mentioned phrases the Lord kept bringing to our minds, and mine was, "Faith over fear."

I needed to hear that. Because at times I am fearful. I am fearful that I will never get married. I am fearful that those who say I am too picky are right, and I will one day have to settle for someone who will not truly make me happy. (and likewise for the other poor person in that scenario) I fear I am not trying enough. I am not doing enough. I am not putting myself out there enough. I am fearful I will end up alone. Fear that this pain will never go away.

There are other fears that surround YSAs as well, fears that might make their trying look different to you.

Fear of a marriage not making it.

Fear of a loveless marriage.

Fear of receiving the wrong answer to the question, "Is this the one?"

Fear of marrying someone, only to no longer recognize them years down the road.

Fear of unfaithfulness.

Fear of not being enough.

Fear of how hard it will be.

Fear you will end up just like the marriage you swore you would never emulate.

Fear of the risk.

There are lots of reasons why a YSA's trying might be moving slower than those around them would care for, and even they themselves would care for.

Fear, however, is not the emotion the Lord gives to us. Fear and faith cannot coexist, and faith is what the Lord does give us. Faith in ourselves, faith in His plan, faith in His love. He gives us faith.

I am doing my best cling to that faith. To show Him that I trust Him. To show Him that I am trying, which right now, looks like letting it go and focusing on the joy I have currently. Because at this moment, it hurts too much. It hurts to actively pursue things and it not work out. It hurts a lot.

Months from now, my trying might look different, but either way, it will still be trying.

And that is what this YSA wants you to know.