WHEN I TOLD GOD I WAS A LOSER

A couple of weeks ago, I had this incredible experience that, honestly, I am a little hesitant to share. It’s raw, it’s personal, and it’s something that I kind of wanted to keep close to my heart. It was one of those defining moments in my life, ya know? One I can turn to as life gets hard, a reminder that I can always trust in My Savior and Heavenly Father. In that moment, I could not doubt Their love for me, even as I felt in my heart that I was a complete and utter failure.

So, you might be asking yourself, why are you sharing it, then? Maybe I‘m not! Maybe I just hooked you in with a blurb about bearing my soul, only to bore you to death with a play by play of “A Day In The Life Of South Eastern New Mexico’s Resident Spinster“. Did you ever think of that?

Ok, so you guys know me really well, and this blog is going to be an over share (You got me!). Honestly, I’m not quite sure why I’m sharing this moment. It could be because my life is pretty boring, so I don’t really have anything else to write about. It could be just to document it for Future Ellie. My hope is that I have been inspired to share this. I hope through my experience others can also come to know how much our Savior and our Heavenly Father truly care for each and every one us. So, without further ado, here is the time I told God I was a loser.

Honestly, the days are all blurring together right now, so I can’t pinpoint the exact day or time, so let’s just set the scene as early Juneish. Although I am about to return to work, which should have brought me an immense amount of joy, I have been full on Negative (N)ellie the past few days. Quarantine has given me the gift of lots of free time. When it came to moving and spending time with my family, it truly did feel like a blessing. However, when I’m sitting alone in my room, pondering my station in life, the extra time to mope seems like such a burden.

“What have I done?”

That is the question that seems to be making endless loops in my mind. What have I done? This single question was followed by a bombardment of others.

“What have I accomplished in my life?

“Would my high school self be proud of me?“

”Would anyone be proud of me?“

”How have I ended up here?”

All too quickly, my small list of reasons to be proud of myself was overcome by a Goliath-sized one of reasons I was a loser. Here is the picture I had painted in my mind:

Having reached almost a quarter of a century of life, I am still living at home, relying wholly on my parents to support me. Although all of my extra funds are going towards a worthy goal, Cosmetology School, having not added to that fund in over two months, that dream seems to be being pushed farther and farther away. I completed about 1/18th of a mission, I have an Associates Degree in General Studies, and I am beginning to fear no one in my family will live to see me married with a family of my own. (I know, with these credentials, who wouldn’t want to snatch me up? Unfortunately, no matter how hard I pray, the German National Team will not make a stop in New Mexico. How rude!)

So, as you can see, I was chocking up the last twenty-five years as a humongous failure. Adding to my foul mood was the fact that I could see very few ways to turn this ship around. With little hope in sight, I began to see myself as the failure I thought I was. At some point over the last twenty-five years, I must have misread or misunderstood or just flat out ignored a prompting from the Lord, and now I was suffering the consequences.

One night, after my family wrapped up our scripture study for the evening, I trudged to my room, feeling pretty sorry for myself and the mess I had created. In that moment, I knew I needed to pray. I craved the peace and conversation and hope and answers that only a talk with my Heavenly Father could give me. Slumping to the floor by my bed, I clasped my hands in desperation, lifted my eyes to heaven, and let it alllllllll out.

I told Heavenly Father exactly how I was feeling. Like I had failed Him, like I had failed me, and like this was all my fault. It was my fault I was such a loser. It was my fault I was stuck at home, living with my parents, becoming more and more undesirable by the minute. I hadn’t stuck it out at BYU, I hadn’t finished my mission, I hadn’t decided on a career path soon enough. I. Had. Failed. And there was nothing anyone could do to fix it.

Suddenly, with the weight of the world on my shoulders, a sure, small voice entered my mind,

“But, this is my plan”

Taken aback, I couldn’t be sure that those words hadn’t come from somewhere deep in my subconscious, in an attempt to stop me from spinning out of control. With more force, the words again were repeated in my mind,

“This is my plan”

As the Savior of the world lifted the weight from off of my shoulders, I could not stop the ugly tears that came. I don’t know that I have ever felt so loved by my Savior and Heavenly Father as I did in that moment. The Makers of The Universe? Yeah, They didn’t see me as a failure! They saw me as a beloved, beautiful, silly, full-of-potential, daughter of God, who had been following Their perfect plan all long.

My Savior and Heavenly Father gifted me so much hope with just those four words. They have eyes that can see far beyond mine. They know what paths in life will lead me to my happiest dreams, my greatest achievements, and my best self. Suddenly, all of the “failures” from before didn’t seem so much like failures, but steps in the plan that They had perfectly tailored for me.

They love me, Ellie, the twenty-four-year-old spinster, who still lives at home and dreams of one day owning a small army of dogs. They know me, soul and all, and They have no doubt of the person I can become. They have stuck me in this moment, right here and right now, that seems like such a failure to me, to help me reach my full potential. This moment is not an inescapable waiting room, it is a stepping stone on my incredible adventure.

So, if like me, you’ve attended to many pity party’s to count over the past couple of weeks, I’d encourage you to invite some pretty special guests next time. Pray to our Savior and our Heavenly Father. Do not let the adversary convince you that in whatever specific trial you are facing, there is no hope. Through Christ, there is always hope. Always tomorrow, always improvement, always better. Through Their eyes, we can see things as they really are, plans as they really are, and us as we really are.

Hope is not lost, even though things may seem very bleak right now. The best thing we can to do is choose to trust in Them, knowing that Their hands are in this mess we call life, leading us to exactly where we need to be.

#HearHim