WHERE I NEED TO BE

Somehow, in the blink of an eye, but also simultaneously in an eternity, it has been over ten years since I graduated from high school.

Look at that sweet, sweet girl, completely terrified, but attempting to be brave. For years, she had been counting down the days to this moment. However, now that it was here, and all that change was staring her in the face, she wasn't sure if any of it was what she really wanted anymore.

Same, girl.

Twenty-eight-year-old Ellie is just as scared, just as overwhelmed, and suddenly, questioning if what she believed was best for her is really what is best.

If you'll recall, a few weeks ago, I made the declaration that I was done seeking out dating. If it came my way, great, I wasn't going to deny the Lord. However, I was no longer going to allow it to be the center pursuit of my life.

As such, I've been trying to make this now chosen season of singlehood productive. I've been trying really hard not to waste this time, I promise. I've been trying to follow the urges and the promptings to get to know myself better, to learn to love myself more, so as to further enjoy the life the Lord has placed before me.

Because, remember that baby-faced girl donning her BYU t-shirt? Had she taken a look at ten years in the future, I have no doubt she would have been horrified. Even with the fear of the unknown, she had not expected this to be where she ended up. I don't know if she would have been happy with it.

But, she should be, and so should current Ellie. Don't worry, the latter is getting there.

Using resources like the Enneagram, The Walk In Love Podcast, my patriarchal blessing, and the opinions of those I know and trust, I've come to understand some things about myself. I've begun to see why I sometimes feel like this life I've got doesn't quite measure up.

I'm a rule follower, there is no doubt about that. So much so, that no only do I feel the need to obsessively follow the laws of the land and the laws of the Lord, I like to make up my own rules to follow.

Whether influenced by what others believe, what I believe others believe, or just my own, odd qualifications, I have made my own specific, sometimes overbearing, measures of what it means to succeed and what it means to fail. In everyday life, or in the broad scheme of things, I've got a set of standards I need to reach, ones that are often set far too high.

One of my favorite things my mother has ever said to me is, "You don't need to be perfect, Ellie. There was only person who did that, and the role has already been filled."

She was right, as always. By creating my own criteria for what it meant to be, "doing things right", I was cutting out my Savior, I was stunting my relationship with Him. I was creating unrealistic expectations, trying to pass them off as His, and painting Him in a light He never deserved to be painted in.

And that made me bitter, and angry, and overwhelmed, and constantly in despair. Because, I wasn't living up to what I thought He wanted.

But it wasn't what He wanted. It was what I wanted. Or, what I thought I did.

A week ago, when I couldn't take the weight in my head any longer, I again asked my father for a blessing. Through that tender moment, tears continually fell down my face, because the Lord was begging me to hear this message:

"You are right where you need to be. You are enough."

He'd been saying it for years, but I needed to put in the effort to believe it.

I am enough. I am where I need to be. I am doing what I need to do.

All the expectations of what I thought I'd be doing ten years out of high school don't matter. Are there things I wish were different? I wouldn't say different. I don't think I'd change the journey that brought me here. But I have hopes for what is to come.

And, just because I don't have those things yet, it doesn't mean I'm not measuring up. It doesn't mean I've done something wrong, or it's my fault they aren't here yet. It's just a fact: They aren't here yet.

But that doesn't mean they won't be. And it also doesn't mean I'm failing the Lord. In contrast, I think it means I'm living in faith of the Lord. His plan is sometimes opposite of the one I would have picked, but I think that is something that could be said for all of us. And it is harder, but also better, than what we would have chosen for ourselves.

So, I'd like to give a thanks to all the people who have loved that child thinking she was an adult. My friends, my teachers, my leaders, my parents. You're the best, and I don't deserve you.

The same goes for all of the people who have loved the girl who has changed and morphed and growb over the past ten years. New friends, coworkers, mission companions, church family I've served along side. I could not be where I am today without you and the examples of the Savior you've shared with me.

But now I think it's my turn. It's my turn to love this girl with everything she's got, and for everything she is. I need to trust that the Lord says she is enough, she is doing enough, she is making Him proud, and I need to treat her as such.

He has great things in store for her, I can just feel it. And I'm so grateful He is showing me how to be along for that ride.