WHO I CAN BE
Updated: Aug 19
Grandpa J has been at it, you guys.
In my humble opinion, he has been abusing his newly found angel powers. I cannot combat him.
During my almost twenty-seven years of life, I have never had so many offers, suggestions, or propositions for possible future dates than in the past eighteen months.
Which, right off the bat, I must say how humbled and flattered I am by the kind acts of others. I am more than happy to inform you that I will never be of worth to your loved ones, but it is very nice of you to think differently.
What astounds me even more, is that we have some repeat offenders on our hands. Unfortunately for these angels on earth, with each interaction we share, it becomes even more apparent that I am not ready to step into the dating world.
“What are you looking for in a guy?”
“Do you want him to be older, or younger?”
“How big of an age gap is too big?”
The answers to these three questions, and many, many more, are one in the same.
“I don’t know.”
Turns out, participating in only a handful (and that is being generous) of first dates does not help one to narrow down the qualities desired in a future companion.
I have no idea what I want him to be like. I have no idea what the age difference between us will be, if he will be tall enough that I can always wear my favorite pair of heels, or if he’ll hate pineapple on pizza.
I don’t quite know who he will be.
But, right now, I don’t really think it matters.
Life has taught me many times that the unknowns and uncontrollables it has to offer come in by the thousands.
You can’t control whether a publisher selects your brilliant manuscript.
You can’t control whether Germany makes it past the group stage in the World Cup. (Yes, it does still hurt.)
You can’t control whether the beloved basset hound you own will poop on your floor in a viscous spurt of rage.
I cannot control others, but I can control me. I can choose who I want to become, the disciple of Christ I want to be.
I can cultivate the things I want my future spouse to look for in me, right now, in the waiting period. The waiting period that I am more than happy to remain in while everyone and their dog is trying to rush me out of it.
Looking at you, Grandpa.
Forgiving
Gosh, do I need to be more forgiving. As someone who needs it possibly an unhealthy amount every day, Negative (N)ellie sure doesn’t act like it. I am long to hold a grudge, quick to lash out with words, and slow to accept an apology.
Not exactly good breeding ground for a relationship with another imperfect human.
Easy-Going
I am about as tightly bound as they come. In some aspects of my life, a responsible outlook has blessed and benefited me. It means I take my callings and duties seriously. It means I do my best to keep the commitments I have made. And it allows me to be very self-motivating.
It is not a quality I am looking to completely root out of myself. However, it can also make me quite the stick in the mud. And a worrier. And a stressor. Things I would most definitely like to be less of.
Serving
Twenty-seven years alone on this earth has allowed me to make it all about me, 24/7.
I am so selfish with my free time, calculating chores and tasks out perfectly so I can spend as much as the afternoon as possible reading. Someone asking me to do something extra almost always throws a wrench in my plans, (see important improvement above) causing me to be less willing and more begrudging to serve.
As someone who has seen the many benefits of serving, this is an area I would love to see growth in.
A Lover of Me
I’ve been at war with myself for many, many years, and have only just recently, through the divine intervention of my Savior, been able to begin to love my flawed, flawed self.
This is a journey that is not anywhere near its completion, and one I intend to see through. Not just because I deserve that kind of love, but by learning to love myself better, I can show that same love to others.
A Representative of Him
On that magical day, a long, long, long way off, when our eyes meet across a crowded room, the first thing I want my future husband to see in me is Him.
Not my freckled face or my dusty, dirty tennis shoes. I want him to see Him.
That I know Him. That I love Him. That He is my most important relationship. That I need Him, always. That I’m trying my very hardest to be like Him, even though I fail, every single day.
So, as you can see, I’ve got quite a way to go. (And clearly, I trimmed the list down. At some point, I am going to want to date. Wouldn’t want to scare him off right out of the gate.)
The hold period may seem lengthy to some, I know it has to me in the past, but that is another aspect of the equation that I cannot control.
All I can control is me. Me enjoying this wonderful time in my life. Me learning to become the person I want to be. Me trusting and believing and loving Him.
P.S. In case it wasn’t made clear, I am begging you to stop playing into my grandpa’s hand. Thank you.
Also, if you are looking for more Negative (N)ellie content, (Which, why wouldn’t you be?) you can find it located in the latest Latter-day Woman Magazine. As always, I am incredibly grateful for this opportunity and your continued support!
Comments